As this weight loss and health process plays out I am in such thought lately…. like the kids will talk to me and I don’t even hear them, then they pinch me and I snap out of it. I’ve just been trying to figure out why I got so fat and unhealthy.
I have anxiety.
I have never been properly diagnosed but I know I have anxiety when I get physical reactions in certain situations. Parties and crowds terrify me. Calling people makes me want to puke. My hands shake when anyone watches me do anything….. I am terrible at small talk…. and sometimes I feel like i’m going to have a heart attack or pass out.
I have always been good at internalizing it and hiding it.
I have rarely talked about it.
I’m not proud of it.
Anxiety ruled my mind and my soul for so so long.
I couldn’t even ask the waitress at a restaurant for an extra fork because the anxiety of speaking up made me feel ill.
I buried my anxious nature in food. It is easier to be social over food. It is less awkward. Comfort food makes you feel better and takes your fear away. Food helped me cope with my anxiety and food made me even more anxious due to my gaining weight. what a vicious cycle.
As my weight has gone up my self-worth has gone down. I have never really felt good enough. I’ve rarely felt beautiful. I struggled to hold my head high. I worried that I wasn’t good enough for my husband. I felt like someone better than me would come along. So I ate some more.
I have realized that when I put healthy into my body, healthy comes out….in my mind, in my soul, in my confidence, in my energy….. good in and good out. Since I have been eating clean and exercising everyday I am pretty damn confident. I feel good. I look good even though I have a lot of weight to lose…. I am happy with me right now as I am. My goal is not to even lose weight but to build me strength, endurance and stamina.
I am still on this crazy process to heal my heart and mind after two baby losses in 2 years (2012 and 2013, three total) I also grief ate…. so I am still trying to process my grief without eating. I am trying to face it and move through it instead of avoiding it with food.
I have so much to work on but I feel like I have come so far in just 17 days that I have been working on things.
I am damn awesome
I am beautiful
I have worth
I can accomplish anything that I set my mind to
Here is my right now. I can’t wait to see what the next twelve weeks or serious workouts is going to do to my body.
Now these before and after a are from December and now. So I have come a long way (only been working out and eating clean 17 days)