Silence

I can’t do silence.

I can’t still my soul.

I can’t be still.

It’s my nightmare.

I tried it the other day and I just cried. My heart broke again and again.

When i am still and quiet my heart and soul go back to my losses, it just shows me that I never did properly grieve. I had to be put together and ok for my family and I pushed it away. I cried at night alone. I cried in the bathroom, in the shower. I pulled it together for the good of everyone.

Little did anyone know I was wrecked. My faith was gone and I hated the world.

I really shook my fist at God, and secretly in my heart wondered if he was even there. How could he be there…….how did He love me but let my babies die. I could not be ok with it.

When we were picking a name for our new miracle baby we looked up the meaning we wanted and then picked a name. We wanted the name to mean Healing because this baby would bring healing to our wounded souls. We settled on jace and he has really brought healing to my heart and in turn my faith is slowing coming back, i have come a long way but I have a long way to go as well.

which is why i still struggle with being still and quiet.

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