Monthly Archives: September 2015

Questions and Conclusions

I think in loss you have so many questions. You wonder why. You ask God why.

If you are a good God and You care about me why let me be grief stricken so hard?
Why let my babies die?
Why pray?
I begged You God, to save my babies and you didn’t…why?

I could go on and on. When all of these questions rolled through my head i stopped praying and reading my Bible. Thats when i set God aside.

Ive been in my Bible again since March and I have slowly begun really praying and trying to be in a constant state of prayer….. and heres the conclusions I have come to.

God IS good.

I do not see the bigger picture.

I pray to align my will to His not for Him to give me what I want because I do not see the big picture and He does.

God CAN handle my anger. I have sure had a lot of it and I am thankful He still loves me.

I need to vocalize my junk so that I can work through it. Maybe I am weird but if I don’t voice it then it goes on the back burner and does not ever get addressed.

I see Joy again. I see Peace again. Ive got a journey ahead but I know God will use all of this stuff for something good. Someday. Im ready.

Head and Heart

So when i was a kid I was a big pot head partier. I guess I was a teen…. from about 12-15 years old.
I was living a double life and told my Pastor on new years eve 2001. I told him what I was doing and that I needed to quit and needed his help. I was super depressed and could not stop what I was doing. After telling him, I never went back to my old ways. Telling someone, vocalizing my inner struggle and asking for help instantly changed me inside and out.

So of course when I was struggling with getting that joy of the Lord back into my life, I called him to talk to him. I actually emailed him and he took a week to pray and get his words right and he called me.
He told me exactly what my heart needed. He told me that Jesus has got me and even though I may feel disconnected right now, even mad sometimes, whatever it is….He hasn’t left me. he told me to keep doing what I’m doing. Keep living, reading the bible, praying and serving. Keep raising my babies for Jesus and being the wife and mom i need to be and God will sort it out.
He reminded me that grief can’t be put on a timeline and there is no exact order. He told me it is ok, my heart was hurt, grief hurts, loss hurts and we all deal with it in our own way and our own time and I have seemed to shove the grief down for a while and because I put my faith on the back burner, the grief process kinda did the same.

So here I am.

I was in such an ugly place and now I feel like there is light at the end of the three year long dark tunnel.
I have always had the head knowledge that God is good, etc,etc but deep down I wasn’t sure i believed…. anything… My head and heart didn’t connect and I FINALLY feel like they are connecting. Now to just let me walls down with God again because there are still a few walls up.

Anyways it is hard. But its good. I hope some day I can look back and see that the last three years have molded me into something amazing and that hopefully i have helped people along the way.

I Wonder if People Get Me

I have always had anxiety, its taken me 28 of my 30 years to be confident in my skin and to know that I am freaking awesome and now I wonder if people get my weird.

You know those handful of people in your life that get you, and all of the weird that comes with you….

I need more of that.

I am very honest and it usually gets me into trouble, people do not seem to appreciate honesty anymore, they just get pissed. They take it as an attack and they get mad and defensive.

I can say that 89% of the time if I have done something and it has bothered someone and they tell me, I don’t justify why I did or said it, I apologize and realize they took it way differently than i intended. The other 11% I get mad and then after calming down realize they were right and I still apologize. I cherish relationships more than I do winning an argument.

My sense of humor is pretty weird too….. only a select few get it. 😉

I like deep real conversation, the fluffy stuff scares me, just shooting the breeze and chit chat…..freaks me out.

I am passionate about my faith, my family, friends, photography and crochet. I can talk your ear off if we can talk about one of those things. I am insanely shy too…. and open up to those i feel I can trust.

I share my struggles, not to whine or complain, not for attention or anything of the sort but to hopefully encourage someone along the way.

Social situations make me want to hurl, like actually literally throw up. I love hanging out one on one or just a small bunch of people.

I find that I grow the most when I am the most Uncomfortable….. let me say I am uncomfortable a lot too

I respect people who are direct and honest.

I can’t stand catty, drama people….they have no room in my life.

 

 

Rain and Rainbows

We were walking through Bed Bath and Beyond the other day. Its a dangerous store. We spend too much money. Anyways, a picture caught my eye and i just had to have it and that doesn’t happen often.

It Says “Without Rain There Will Be No Rainbows” and it has a rainbow and a cloud on it. Its gorgeous and sums us up well.

While I wish we never had to bury three babies, I would not change the experiences. I find that I cherish every second with Jace, even the hard ones because I know that he very well could have been one of my losses too.

I appreciate the good in life so much more than I think i would have without ever facing loss. The intense pain of burying babies heightens the good I know what cold, dark and scary feels like so the good feels extra good.