Head and Heart

So when i was a kid I was a big pot head partier. I guess I was a teen…. from about 12-15 years old.
I was living a double life and told my Pastor on new years eve 2001. I told him what I was doing and that I needed to quit and needed his help. I was super depressed and could not stop what I was doing. After telling him, I never went back to my old ways. Telling someone, vocalizing my inner struggle and asking for help instantly changed me inside and out.

So of course when I was struggling with getting that joy of the Lord back into my life, I called him to talk to him. I actually emailed him and he took a week to pray and get his words right and he called me.
He told me exactly what my heart needed. He told me that Jesus has got me and even though I may feel disconnected right now, even mad sometimes, whatever it is….He hasn’t left me. he told me to keep doing what I’m doing. Keep living, reading the bible, praying and serving. Keep raising my babies for Jesus and being the wife and mom i need to be and God will sort it out.
He reminded me that grief can’t be put on a timeline and there is no exact order. He told me it is ok, my heart was hurt, grief hurts, loss hurts and we all deal with it in our own way and our own time and I have seemed to shove the grief down for a while and because I put my faith on the back burner, the grief process kinda did the same.

So here I am.

I was in such an ugly place and now I feel like there is light at the end of the three year long dark tunnel.
I have always had the head knowledge that God is good, etc,etc but deep down I wasn’t sure i believed…. anything… My head and heart didn’t connect and I FINALLY feel like they are connecting. Now to just let me walls down with God again because there are still a few walls up.

Anyways it is hard. But its good. I hope some day I can look back and see that the last three years have molded me into something amazing and that hopefully i have helped people along the way.

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