Category Archives: Daily Musings

The Well

So my church, The Church On MastersRoad is partnering with some great people to have a food pantry at the church. it will be this beautiful mesh of help and worship. Meeting physical needs and spiritual ones as well. Just one more way for us to be in the community. This ministry is going to be called “The Well” and should begin in March.

Food pantries were one of the few ways that we got food growing up as a kid. My parents divorced when I was a wee one, maybe 3 years old. We lived with my mom and went to my dads every other weekend. My dad paid child support to my mom to cover his half of raising us. The only problem was that my mom didn’t work to cover her half. So with that we ended up living on very little money. We relied heavily on food pantries, especially around the holidays. I stop and think about it now as an adult and we would not have survived if these food pantries did not helps us. I remember calling them and waiting in line with my sister as kids.

My hope is to volunteer and  minister to others the way that we were helped and ministered to as kids.

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Gratitude Simple Things

I am so thankful that I find joy is easy living. Simple things. A bowl of chili and a beer make my heart sing.

Sitting at home with my family on New Years Eve watching tv, joy joy joy ❤

I don’t need fancy things. I don’t need to go fancy things. I have great joy in these little things and I’m dedicating this new year to being even more grateful!

Gratitude gecko

This little green anole was my jump back onto the gratitude train. I got distracted with life for a bit. I’m back I hope. 
I was standing outside just looking at the sky and enjoying the cool breeze. I was kinda sad but the fresh air was helping. I looked over and he looked at me and almost smiled. I swear. All stretched out. Looking at the sky with me. Just chillin. So darn cute! Grateful that I saw him and got to stop and appreciate the moment. It’s always a good reminder to just slow down and be happy over the little things. 

Gratitude rain

#gratitude #rain. I adore the rain. When we leave and store and it’s a downpour we see people waiting inside for it to let up. We take off and skip and jump in the puddles on the way to the car. We got home from the post office today and went for a walk in the rain. Jumping barefoot in every puddle. Don’t be scared of the rain. It’s cleansing. Healing. Beautiful. #graysky #grayskies #rainy #rainyday #jumpinpuddles

Hopeless to Hopeful

In March of 2004 I experienced a miscarriage at 13 weeks into my pregnancy. We delivered a baby boy, born still at home. This loss led me to discover that I had a thyroid problem that required surgery and medicine. June of 2005 we had a healthy rainbow baby Trevor and in 2006 my little sunshine Hannah.

Five years later I was pregnant again and so sick! I was also struggling with high blood pressure. At about 16 weeks i felt like something wasn’t right anymore… i felt this sense of impending doom almost. At my big gender ultrasound at 19.5 weeks we found out that our baby, a boy had no heartbeat. Timothy George was born May 5th, 2012 and was buried Mothers day that year.

One year later we found out at 16 weeks pregnant that another son had gone to be with Jesus. May 16th 2013 we found out he died, May 17th my hope and faith went cold and May 18th we delivered and said hello goodbye to Daniel Timothy.

I quit praying.

I quit anything God related.

I was angry.

I could not wrap my mind around why God would allow me to get pregnant, the baby die and turn around and let me get pregnant and another baby die one year later. I did not get it and do not get it. I may never get it. I could not see God as good. I struggled so badly and I figured that just sticking God on the back burner was easier than facing my questions and struggles. Just forgetting that I ever had any kind of faith was easier.

I understood all of my non christian friends and why they don’t believe. I got it.

I was so mad I very rarely even muttered a half hearted prayer my whole pregnancy with Jace. Why. I prayed and begged God to keep Timothy and Daniel safe and they died so why even pray for Jace? If he was going to die it would happen with or without prayers.

My heart started to heal after Jace was born and healthy but my faith was still in the ditch.

It wasn’t until I met this rad pastor and his messages that peaked my interest in figuring out my faith again. Then Easter Sunday during the launch of The Church on Masters Road I was ready. Pastor Jason really knows how to preach Jesus in a way that gets you craving Him. I longed for that connection to Jesus again and being mad was just getting exhausting.

So upon wanting to come back to Jesus I needed to figure out why I ran away.

I needed to know WHY I had these losses. It was consuming me. I FINALLY realized that I can’t possibly begin to know why.

Ecclesiastes 11:5 says  “Just as you don’t know the path of the wind,  or how bones develop in the womb of a pregnant woman, so you don’t know the work of God who makes everything.”  I had to let go and I am finally ok with not understanding things sometimes. I can’t put God in a box, and I finally realized that not only do we live in a fallen world with death and sin but I can only see the now and God sees the future. I can’t possibly expect to know why my babies die, why did God allow it to happen twice, one year apart. Why He allowed this weight of grief to almost crush me completely… 

So realizing that the “why’s” of life will kill me and any chance of joy I decided to cling to 2 Corinthians 1:4 “He comforts us in all our affliction,  so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”  I have tried and always try to show love and grace to the hurting. I try to listen when I know people need an ear and when someone goes through a loss like mine I will move mountains to help them. 

In Romans it says “And not only that,  but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us,  because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”  

Having buried 3 babies I have learned to be patient, I have learned to love deeper and give more. I have learned that life is short and you should not waste one second. I have learned that even if you lose sight of your faith, you CAN come back! You are never too far to come back to Jesus. I have learned to enjoy the little things in life.

Just remember “When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.”

God is with you, even in bleak moments of hopelessness….He is there even when you feel completely alone…He LOVES you even when a trial comes your way. Please don’t ever do what I did and turn your back on God!

My heaven babies left me forever changed. I am better because of them.

Rain

So growing up in Longview WA, i knew rain.

It rains a lot there, hence the tall gorgeous trees and beautiful greenery everywhere.

Anyways I adore the rain. Its part of my soul…my blood….my heart. Its in my DNA. Tracing my family ancestry I found that a lot of them were in the Pacific Northwest for a long long time. Its really in my blood.

So when it rains here in the wonderful flat weird land we call home I love it. It makes me feel a little bit of home even though I am so far away. Today we parked in the furthest spot at Kroger and walked in the rain……and you can be sure that we jumped in every puddle to and from the car. I am still soaked and haven’t changed yet. Its fun. The rain feels good and we are making memories.

Don’t be afraid to jump in puddles!!!

Don’t wish the rain away I would rather have the rain than a drought!

In Search of Family

Being in Texas is great and hard.

I miss having family.

I miss holidays, I miss family gatherings. I miss hanging out. I miss having family spoil and love on my kids. I miss having that “village” to raise our family in.

So I am currently seeking adoption into a Texas family ❤ Does anyone want us. We are fun, laid back and pretty freaking awesome. All we want is some people that we can call family, that accepts us as family and includes us in their family.  You will get great friends, someone that crochets and will probably want to take your pictures too.

🙂

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

So

a brief testimony if I can formulate my word effectively here.

My pastor said “Fear and faith take up the same place in your heart”

Think about that for a second. I had to draw it for a better visual.
Sept doodles_16

Well starting in 2012 fear started pouring into my “cup”. It started at the end of April actually, before we found out that our baby died. I just had a bad “feeling” that I couldn’t shake. May3rd I think was the ultrasound day in 2012 where we got the news that at 19 weeks pregnant our son was no longer living. We checked in to the hospital May 4th and delivered him May 5th. Fear was trickling in.

May 2013 after a year of steady fear trickling into my “cup” we were told that at 16 weeks pregnant we again had a son that was no longer living.

Fear came in and flooded my soul. Faith flooded over, poured out of the cup and didn’t want to return, because as you can see, fear and faith take up the same place in your heart.

I mean, how could I have faith when God let me walk through HELL twice. A year apart. Back to back. Despite my begging and pleading for my babies lives….they both died. Faith had no room in my heart.

I see how people can quit believing.

But here’s the thing. I never stopped believing. I questioned everything in existence but in the depths of my should I still believed…..but Satan believes… believing doesn’t mean a lot.

My heart was wounded and I didn’t know how to reconcile that.

I didn’t know how to begin to fill my cup with faith and let the fear wash out never to return… my heart was weary.

I asked God to reveal Himself to me again. I asked God to make Himself known. He had been there the whole time but I asked Him to help me see Him again.

I had emailed my Pastor family friend weeks prior with no response and after my prayer with God, the next day the pastor called me. I told him my struggles and he spoke exactly what I needed to hear. That night a lady reached out to me on Facebook and that following evening the pastor at church spoke exactly what my friend and I had touched on. It was like God was saying “Hello here I am”

I can’t dismiss that. The timing. The soul healing words from three different people who had no idea what I needed.

It was God.

Since then I had been reading my Bible more than normal. I have been doodling scripture to help write it on my soul. I have been praying. Like actually praying, which I haven’t done in a few years. I had figured “Why pray” I prayed and begged God to spare me the pain of facing another loss one year after the previous loss. I cried out to Him and He did not give me what I so selfishly asked for… why pray. My attitude about prayer has sure changed since then too and I am so thankful.

I am a HUGE work in progress and my faith is working itself out again…..but it feels amazing and scary and weird in a good way. I can officially say that I am here, ready…. re-committing my life to Jesus. Thankful that I can come to Him, a work in  progress, and He will love me anyways ❤