Category Archives: Pregnancy

Ryley

6280857397_4eaa5ebac3_b 6280851279_bdf58a3873_bMy husband and I were married December 2002. I was a senior in high school and he was 22. I was highly mature for my age and we knew we were going to get married at some point so we decided not to wait. I graduated in June of 2003. I got pregnant around a year after we were married. We had wanted to wait a little while and settled on a year being long enough. We were babies barely paying bills but we figured that we would never be financially ready to have babies so we just had to go for it.

When I got that positive pregnancy test I was thrilled. We were thrilled. New life was growing. I was sick. It was a good feeling. We started talking about the baby, names, plans, hopes, dreams.

I was working as a hostess at a Chinese food restaurant. My coworker called in “sick” again. She just wanted to party. I was SLAMMED and was stressed to the max. Right as I was bagging up an order I felt a pop and a gush. I ran to the bathroom. I was bleeding. A lot. I had no pads, I was pregnant. I wasn’t supposed to need them. I shoved some toilet paper in my pants and finished my shift. It was the most horrible two hours ever.

After my shift was over my husband drove me to the emergency room. I had to get a horrible catheter and blow up my bladder so the ultrasound could see baby. I was only 9 weeks so he was pretty small still. I had resolved in my mind that he was gone. Why else did I bleed?

I looked up at that ultrasound screen with fear. What did I see? I saw a little bean looking baby with a perfect heartbeat!!

The doctor sent us home, told me to be in bed rest and to follow up with an OB. We went to her twice a week. She did an ultrasound every time. We watched in awe and wonder as this little human we created was growing and changing. We loved seeing him wiggling and moving. What hung over us was this fear of impending doom. I was still bleeding. Why? What was the cause?

I remember going to the doctor March 3rd 2004. I was 12 weeks 5 days pregnant. Still bleeding. Almost 4 weeks of scary horrible bleeding. We went in and Ryley had grown a lot. We got to see him swimming around. Got to see his sweet little hand wave. I remember her saying that some women bleed their whole pregnancy and that she was 99% sure that he would be ok.

We left that doctors office with more hope. We were still making a life for this guy in our heads. We were dreaming and planning and praying.

We got home and a few hours later my husbands new keyboard came in the mail. He was downstairs playing that when I started cramping. Not period cramps. These were something bad, something I had never felt before. I found out later that it was labor. The pain was hell. It would come and go until it was just back to back to back.

My sweet husband called the doctor and they sent over some pain medicine to the pharmacy. I made him go and get it. The pain was something fierce. I thought I was dying. For hours. As he was gone I went to the bathroom again. I looked down and instead of seeing what I thought was another large clot, I saw my baby. I caught him and then delivered the placenta.

I stood there, all the physical pain was gone. I looked at this tiny baby, perfect. Perfect eyes and ears. Perfect little fingers and toes. Perfect little baby butt. I just collapsed and screamed. I yelled and screamed again and again. I screamed “why God?” Too many times.

Matthew came home and I had to tell him our son was dead. He was gone. Our hopes and dreams were gone. All of the plans and the life we created for him in ours heads was gone. It was over.

We were crushed.

We placed our precious baby in a cup. A freaking cup. We made our way downstairs to go to the hospital. Matthew stopped at the piano and played Jesus Loves Me for Ryley. I cried my guts out. We called our pastor and told him and went to the hospital.

Upon arriving at the hospital I am asked what makes me think I am having a miscarriage. I told that woman that my son is in the freaking cup.

We get back to the room and the nurse asks me what makes me think I’m having a miscarriage. Oh my gosh. Really? For the second time I let them know my son is in the cup. Not my uterus. A cup. They checked and confirmed that he was gone (even though I was holding him)

They asked if we wanted the chaplain and we said yes. She came in and her and the nurse did hand and foot prints of Ryley. The hand print didn’t take because they were so small. We barely got his foot in the plaster mold. She prayed with us and gave us information of grief. We left Ryley there to go to the funeral home. We wanted him to be buried with the love and respect of any grown adult.

We went to Sharis pie place and got pie. We sat. Silent. Numb. I felt empty. Like a failure. My body was defective.

My follow up with the doctor was so hard. She had a medical student come in with her and I was a mess. She told me that she couldn’t tell me why he died but that I need to see a doctor about my thyroid. She said to make sure that it’s taken care of before I get pregnant again.

We went to the funeral home next and saw Ryley one last time. My heart was so broken. The funeral lady was amazing and kind. The cemetery donated a plot to us, the funeral home let us bury him in an urn which was under one hundred dollars, and the grave marker place gave us a brick size for the cheapest cost. They were all a huge blessing. You prepare for a baby. Not a funeral.

We had decided that we would bury him alone. I wasn’t sure if my family would find it weird or if they even counted him as a loss. It was just me and Matthew up on that hill laying out son into the ground. The funeral lady stayed with us and printed us some memorial cards with his name and a poem and things on it. She was so kind.

We went home different. Sad. I didn’t want to face people. I didn’t want the pity stares. If you hugged me I was likely to cry and not be able to stop. I joined message boards online that dealt with miscarriage. I bought books and read my bible. I tried to make sense of things. I tried to heal. It was hard. Scary. Sad. Beautiful. Awful. So many things all at once.

I went on to having 3/4 of my thyroid removed to test for cancer, thankfully no cancer! I do have an autoimmune thing called Hashimoto thyroiditis. Thankfully our rainbow baby was born in 2005 and our little sunshine baby was born in 2006.

Being pregnant after a loss is a whole different story of scary emotions! For now I will leave you with that.

Hopeless to Hopeful

In March of 2004 I experienced a miscarriage at 13 weeks into my pregnancy. We delivered a baby boy, born still at home. This loss led me to discover that I had a thyroid problem that required surgery and medicine. June of 2005 we had a healthy rainbow baby Trevor and in 2006 my little sunshine Hannah.

Five years later I was pregnant again and so sick! I was also struggling with high blood pressure. At about 16 weeks i felt like something wasn’t right anymore… i felt this sense of impending doom almost. At my big gender ultrasound at 19.5 weeks we found out that our baby, a boy had no heartbeat. Timothy George was born May 5th, 2012 and was buried Mothers day that year.

One year later we found out at 16 weeks pregnant that another son had gone to be with Jesus. May 16th 2013 we found out he died, May 17th my hope and faith went cold and May 18th we delivered and said hello goodbye to Daniel Timothy.

I quit praying.

I quit anything God related.

I was angry.

I could not wrap my mind around why God would allow me to get pregnant, the baby die and turn around and let me get pregnant and another baby die one year later. I did not get it and do not get it. I may never get it. I could not see God as good. I struggled so badly and I figured that just sticking God on the back burner was easier than facing my questions and struggles. Just forgetting that I ever had any kind of faith was easier.

I understood all of my non christian friends and why they don’t believe. I got it.

I was so mad I very rarely even muttered a half hearted prayer my whole pregnancy with Jace. Why. I prayed and begged God to keep Timothy and Daniel safe and they died so why even pray for Jace? If he was going to die it would happen with or without prayers.

My heart started to heal after Jace was born and healthy but my faith was still in the ditch.

It wasn’t until I met this rad pastor and his messages that peaked my interest in figuring out my faith again. Then Easter Sunday during the launch of The Church on Masters Road I was ready. Pastor Jason really knows how to preach Jesus in a way that gets you craving Him. I longed for that connection to Jesus again and being mad was just getting exhausting.

So upon wanting to come back to Jesus I needed to figure out why I ran away.

I needed to know WHY I had these losses. It was consuming me. I FINALLY realized that I can’t possibly begin to know why.

Ecclesiastes 11:5 says  “Just as you don’t know the path of the wind,  or how bones develop in the womb of a pregnant woman, so you don’t know the work of God who makes everything.”  I had to let go and I am finally ok with not understanding things sometimes. I can’t put God in a box, and I finally realized that not only do we live in a fallen world with death and sin but I can only see the now and God sees the future. I can’t possibly expect to know why my babies die, why did God allow it to happen twice, one year apart. Why He allowed this weight of grief to almost crush me completely… 

So realizing that the “why’s” of life will kill me and any chance of joy I decided to cling to 2 Corinthians 1:4 “He comforts us in all our affliction,  so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”  I have tried and always try to show love and grace to the hurting. I try to listen when I know people need an ear and when someone goes through a loss like mine I will move mountains to help them. 

In Romans it says “And not only that,  but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us,  because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”  

Having buried 3 babies I have learned to be patient, I have learned to love deeper and give more. I have learned that life is short and you should not waste one second. I have learned that even if you lose sight of your faith, you CAN come back! You are never too far to come back to Jesus. I have learned to enjoy the little things in life.

Just remember “When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.”

God is with you, even in bleak moments of hopelessness….He is there even when you feel completely alone…He LOVES you even when a trial comes your way. Please don’t ever do what I did and turn your back on God!

My heaven babies left me forever changed. I am better because of them.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

So

a brief testimony if I can formulate my word effectively here.

My pastor said “Fear and faith take up the same place in your heart”

Think about that for a second. I had to draw it for a better visual.
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Well starting in 2012 fear started pouring into my “cup”. It started at the end of April actually, before we found out that our baby died. I just had a bad “feeling” that I couldn’t shake. May3rd I think was the ultrasound day in 2012 where we got the news that at 19 weeks pregnant our son was no longer living. We checked in to the hospital May 4th and delivered him May 5th. Fear was trickling in.

May 2013 after a year of steady fear trickling into my “cup” we were told that at 16 weeks pregnant we again had a son that was no longer living.

Fear came in and flooded my soul. Faith flooded over, poured out of the cup and didn’t want to return, because as you can see, fear and faith take up the same place in your heart.

I mean, how could I have faith when God let me walk through HELL twice. A year apart. Back to back. Despite my begging and pleading for my babies lives….they both died. Faith had no room in my heart.

I see how people can quit believing.

But here’s the thing. I never stopped believing. I questioned everything in existence but in the depths of my should I still believed…..but Satan believes… believing doesn’t mean a lot.

My heart was wounded and I didn’t know how to reconcile that.

I didn’t know how to begin to fill my cup with faith and let the fear wash out never to return… my heart was weary.

I asked God to reveal Himself to me again. I asked God to make Himself known. He had been there the whole time but I asked Him to help me see Him again.

I had emailed my Pastor family friend weeks prior with no response and after my prayer with God, the next day the pastor called me. I told him my struggles and he spoke exactly what I needed to hear. That night a lady reached out to me on Facebook and that following evening the pastor at church spoke exactly what my friend and I had touched on. It was like God was saying “Hello here I am”

I can’t dismiss that. The timing. The soul healing words from three different people who had no idea what I needed.

It was God.

Since then I had been reading my Bible more than normal. I have been doodling scripture to help write it on my soul. I have been praying. Like actually praying, which I haven’t done in a few years. I had figured “Why pray” I prayed and begged God to spare me the pain of facing another loss one year after the previous loss. I cried out to Him and He did not give me what I so selfishly asked for… why pray. My attitude about prayer has sure changed since then too and I am so thankful.

I am a HUGE work in progress and my faith is working itself out again…..but it feels amazing and scary and weird in a good way. I can officially say that I am here, ready…. re-committing my life to Jesus. Thankful that I can come to Him, a work in  progress, and He will love me anyways ❤

Testimony

I was a hard partier as a teenager. I was mean, dishonest, deceitful…. When my grandpa, full of faith and joy, died….i was crushed.

All of his talks with me about God, all of his words and singing and times at church all flooded back to me.

I went to his funeral and the pastor there preached. He changed my life. I was in church the next Sunday and every one following.

9 months after going to church after sinking into a deep depression….i told my pastor about my partying double life. He prayed for me and held me accountable and I quit. Everything. I was on fire for God! Joy poured out of me. I was in love.

I was married in 2002, my senior year of high school. We gave birth to and buried our first child, a baby boy March 2004. We found out I had thyroid problems and that I needed surgery and were told to not get pregnant again until my thyroid was treated. May 2004 I had 3/4 of my thyroid removed, praise God it was not cancerous.

June 2005 we had our Rainbow baby Trevor and in 2006 we had our Sunshine baby Hannah.  Then in 2007 we made a HUGE move to Angleton, TX. Matthew was accepted as a music minister at a baptist church there and it felt perfect.

The first Sunday there the church SPLIT. Then there was another split and then the crazy came out and the church eventually crumbled. (Long story if you want to hear it i will tell it in person)

Matthew was blessed with a fruitful piano technician business and after a brief stint at Home Depot he is and has been full time self employed.

in 2011 we found out we were expecting a baby and we were THRILLED, beyond thrilled. In May 2012 we went in for our big 20 week ultrasound and found out our baby boy had died. I went in the next day and labor was induced and the next day Timothy was born. He was laid to rest Mother’s day that year. (Another long story I can tell in person) November we found out we were pregnant again, Daniel was on his way. We were scared. Really scared. We went in for our 16 week appointment we had a horrible feeling and it was confirmed in an ultrasound that Daniel was a boy and had in fact died just as Timothy had. We went in and another baby was born still. We buried another baby.

When we buried Timothy, My faith was strong. I knew that things happen. I clung to God. I was strong and held on to my faith. When we laid Daniel to rest I felt my soul go cold. I felt like there was no God. I felt cold, and dark. I felt no more joy. I felt no more peace. The very thing i begged God for and He let both babies die. He had the power to stop it but didn’t. How could a loving God let me bury two babies in a row. I thought about me, if I knew something bad was going to happen to my kids and I just sat back and let it happen. I could not do it. If I had the power to stop them from losing a baby I would. So I didn’t get why God would let it happen to me again and again. I felt like if that is who god is and that is His nature and Character then I didn’t want Him anymore.

Jace came along in July 2014 and that horrible hopelessness that I felt had a ray of light shine on it. I began to feel some sort of healing. Jace has truly been sunshine to my dark soul. His name actually means “A healing” and a healing he is. He has no idea how much of a freaking miracle he is.

Now let me just say this. My faith is no where near where  I want it to be. That coldness is still there That disconnect between me and God is still there. I know He has never left me, I turned from Him. I am working on that reconnection again. I do not know what I am doing, I do not know when I will get that spark and that love back. I do not know….. I don’t know…. I can’t be still and be quiet. My soul still feels troubled….. but I am not giving up. I know God is real. I know He loves me. I know He cares for me. I know He is amazing. I know in my head and am in a constant process of working on it in my heart. My heart will catch back up to my head. I just need to work through my grief and I need to work through my anger with God. I think thats what it boils down to. I am still mad at Him.

So I am in the Word daily. Prayer daily. Serving where I can. Trying to be an example of grace as often as I can. But I am a broken soul. I am a work in progress and I just pray, I just beg God to one day use my story for something mighty. I do not know what but my pain needs to be used for His glory.

Sleepless Night…..and I’m not complaining!

I can’t post to Facebook it seems. People can’t tell tone or know my heart I guess. And then when they comment something silly I want to delete it. lol.

Jace didn’t sleep well last night, I am dog tired. Everytime I tried to lay him down he would wake right up.

Now here is the thing. I can deal with being tired.

I can deal with him not wanting to be put down.

I will gladly snuggle baby in my arms ALL night!!

When I say he didn’t sleep well I am just making a statement. Not complaining! When I type it I have a huge smile on my face because I have a baby. He survived my hostile body. Like my kids say “Mom I am so happy Jace didn’t die”  ME TOO kids, me too!

I will gladly wear and hold him all day and night and when he wont sleep I will gladly stay up and stare at his sweet face 🙂

And when I change his diaper and then ten seconds later he poops in a fresh diaper, I will just laugh 🙂

I am BLESSED ❤ Thankful ❤ Happy ❤

 

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Birth story

I was so ready to write this big ol’ long birth story. I wrote a few pages with my others.

This time was different.

We checked in at 6am ready to be induced.

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Doctor came in at 8am and checked with ultrasound to find his position because we had such a hard time finding and keeping his heart beat on the monitor.

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Little guy is breech. Head up and feet down.

She said we have two options.

Try to flip him.

I said no

Or c-section him. We went with that and Jace was born at 9:55 am this morning July 21, 2014 weighting 6 pounds 5 ounces measuring 19 inches long.

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He is perfect. Perfect!!!!

I am in pain. No one tells you how much after the cesarean hurts!!

After losing three babies total. Two in a row. After never thinking I would carry another baby past 19 weeks I am just blown away. Speechless. Smitten. In love.

It’s The Final Countdown

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Two days left baby!!

I have been counting down for so long, begging God, pleading, telling baby to keep growing. Praying for this miracle to work out and here I sit, two days left. Tomorrow we get some final shopping done and get the hospital bags loaded up. Monday we leave at about 5:30am and head to the hospital to start the process.

It feels so unreal.

 

Tomorrow I get to say TOMORROW!! I just cant wait to get the process rolling!

 

I will be updating my blog as labor and contractions allow me to and will post updates on instagram but I will be staying off of Facebook, going to let my husband manage that one. I am thankful to have so many friends and family waiting for updates and pictures, just reminds me of how many people will be praying for us on Monday. Bring me a little bit of peace when my heart is trying to be anxious.

 

Awkward Questions

I have noticed being pregnant, and almost due….. people ask a crap-ton of questions!

I know they are just excited and curious but I am not one to talk about certain things to people unless it is something I bring up, and then I have to be super comfortable around that person.

Question #1 Are you going to breastfeed? The key for me in that question is BREAST. I am not talking to you about any part of MY body! Thank you. Just know that how I feed my baby is my business and that I NEVER make a decision lightly or uninformed.

Question #2 Are you done having babies after this? The key for me is, how are babies made?? So do you think it appropriate to ask anything about more kids? That is between me, my husband and God, not YOU!!

Question #3 How much weight have you gained?  YIKES!! That’s nunya. None of your business, I just want to ask How much weight have YOU gained in the last few weeks!! Lol

 

EDITED TO ADD

Questions #4 Are you having the baby naturally?   Like what do you mean? With or without drugs? Vaginally or ceseran? Again, how my baby comes out is my business unless I divulge that information to you!!

Also Question #5 Why are you scheduling your delivery? Is it medically necessary? I think this bothers me so much because its almost implying that I would do something harmful to my baby for my own pleasure. Of course it is medically necessary or I wouldn’t be doing it.

 

 

Yes I’m having a boy, yes I am almost due, yes I am ready to be done, yes, I know I am huge.

 

I think I get so uncomfortable with all of the questions because I am a very private person when it comes to private matters. I do not talk about anything of the sort to just anyone. it doesn’t happen, so when people feel the need to ask me certain questions I just want to crawl in a hole and hide. So I am not being mean or not understanding by venting here, I understand but also know my personality.

I am very introverted and shy. VERY.

I get a lot of anxiety in social situations and it takes a lot for me to feel comfortable around someone.

I don’t trust easily and I don’t feel like I can be relaxed and myself with people right away.

 

So I guess just remember that not everyone is comfortable answering your prying questions! I know you are just curious, but curiosity killed the cat. 😉

 

Three days until this baby will be HERE, in my arms!! I may never sit him down. I just can NOT wait!! I go to the hospital today to get all checked in and all the blood work done, finish cleaning tomorrow, get groceries Sunday and then leave for the hospital bright and early on Monday! I don’t normally wish days away but I hope these three days go fast so Monday can be here.

 

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