Hopeless to Hopeful

In March of 2004 I experienced a miscarriage at 13 weeks into my pregnancy. We delivered a baby boy, born still at home. This loss led me to discover that I had a thyroid problem that required surgery and medicine. June of 2005 we had a healthy rainbow baby Trevor and in 2006 my little sunshine Hannah.

Five years later I was pregnant again and so sick! I was also struggling with high blood pressure. At about 16 weeks i felt like something wasn’t right anymore… i felt this sense of impending doom almost. At my big gender ultrasound at 19.5 weeks we found out that our baby, a boy had no heartbeat. Timothy George was born May 5th, 2012 and was buried Mothers day that year.

One year later we found out at 16 weeks pregnant that another son had gone to be with Jesus. May 16th 2013 we found out he died, May 17th my hope and faith went cold and May 18th we delivered and said hello goodbye to Daniel Timothy.

I quit praying.

I quit anything God related.

I was angry.

I could not wrap my mind around why God would allow me to get pregnant, the baby die and turn around and let me get pregnant and another baby die one year later. I did not get it and do not get it. I may never get it. I could not see God as good. I struggled so badly and I figured that just sticking God on the back burner was easier than facing my questions and struggles. Just forgetting that I ever had any kind of faith was easier.

I understood all of my non christian friends and why they don’t believe. I got it.

I was so mad I very rarely even muttered a half hearted prayer my whole pregnancy with Jace. Why. I prayed and begged God to keep Timothy and Daniel safe and they died so why even pray for Jace? If he was going to die it would happen with or without prayers.

My heart started to heal after Jace was born and healthy but my faith was still in the ditch.

It wasn’t until I met this rad pastor and his messages that peaked my interest in figuring out my faith again. Then Easter Sunday during the launch of The Church on Masters Road I was ready. Pastor Jason really knows how to preach Jesus in a way that gets you craving Him. I longed for that connection to Jesus again and being mad was just getting exhausting.

So upon wanting to come back to Jesus I needed to figure out why I ran away.

I needed to know WHY I had these losses. It was consuming me. I FINALLY realized that I can’t possibly begin to know why.

Ecclesiastes 11:5 says  “Just as you don’t know the path of the wind,  or how bones develop in the womb of a pregnant woman, so you don’t know the work of God who makes everything.”  I had to let go and I am finally ok with not understanding things sometimes. I can’t put God in a box, and I finally realized that not only do we live in a fallen world with death and sin but I can only see the now and God sees the future. I can’t possibly expect to know why my babies die, why did God allow it to happen twice, one year apart. Why He allowed this weight of grief to almost crush me completely… 

So realizing that the “why’s” of life will kill me and any chance of joy I decided to cling to 2 Corinthians 1:4 “He comforts us in all our affliction,  so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”  I have tried and always try to show love and grace to the hurting. I try to listen when I know people need an ear and when someone goes through a loss like mine I will move mountains to help them. 

In Romans it says “And not only that,  but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us,  because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”  

Having buried 3 babies I have learned to be patient, I have learned to love deeper and give more. I have learned that life is short and you should not waste one second. I have learned that even if you lose sight of your faith, you CAN come back! You are never too far to come back to Jesus. I have learned to enjoy the little things in life.

Just remember “When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.”

God is with you, even in bleak moments of hopelessness….He is there even when you feel completely alone…He LOVES you even when a trial comes your way. Please don’t ever do what I did and turn your back on God!

My heaven babies left me forever changed. I am better because of them.

“Spaghetti” recipe

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I cooked a red bell pepper, green bell pepper and onion in a splash of olive oil

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added 16oz mushrooms and cooked down for a bit

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added a pound of ground turkey, basil, turmeric and cumin, salt and pepper

cook until the ground turkey is well done

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I added two of those tiny cans of tomato paste and about 16-20oz of organic veggie broth, mix well. Let cook on low for 15-20 min

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I zoodled some zucchini, sprinkled with some salt and layered between napkins to soak up some of the water in them

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Top the raw zoodles with the sauce and let it sit a few minutes and then dig in! So so good, quick and easy

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Oatmeal bars

So I saw this video on Facebook and decided to make it healthy. It says “Healthy grab and go snack” but I have to change a few things to my liking.

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I mixed 2 eggs  and
1/4 cup coconut sugar well in a big bowl

add 3/4 cup unsweetened organic applesauce
1 1/2 cup unsweetened original almond milk
2 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp salt
1 TBSP cinnamon

Mix well

Add 3 cups quick cooking oats and
2 tsp baking soda

 

Let it sit for 20-ish minutes
fill 1/4 cup scoops in sprayed muffin tins and top with whatever you want. I did raisins, blueberries and even one with raspberries. All were amazing. I mixed the filling in each one. I didn’t like it just on top.

Bake 350 for about 30 min

I also made a batch with no sugar and an extra teaspoon cinnamon and they were still amazing!

The next batch I am going to add chia seeds for added nutrition. My kids want butterscotch chips in theirs so that it tastes like cookies 🙂

Very good grab and go breakfast!!

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Back to Health Day 8 and 9

Soooo Oreos will be the death of me. My kids are BANNED from any and all Oreos forever and ever. I have good self control with almost everything except OREOS!! They are gone.

I have lost a few more pounds, need to get back to my pre-holiday weight so that I can continue with my 2015 goal of health and getting to 175 pounds.

I did not work out the last 2 days because my older two went with dad to work and my younger one was a teething whiney mess. So i am back at it today. 3pm. With bells on.

I feel my muscles in my legs finally, like literally feel there, there used to be too much fat covering them. my arms are getting nicer and short sleeve shirts aren’t so terrifying anymore though my arms still need some work.

Still trying to find consistency but so far this year I’m doing pretty good!

Back to Health Day 5-7

I worked out with Matthew, biceps and triceps….

I worked out with Matthew, legs and a 30 min bike ride

I worked out with Amy and did chest and back.

I am such in the groove with working out, i forgot how good i feel when I am active. Now to work on eating I have cut Starbucks WAY back and have cut 90% of gluten out. Just a little more tweaking and I will be doing good! Not gonna stop, never gonna quit. Always a process!

Back to Health Day Four

I took some colon cleanse supplements last night. Let’s just say it’s working today. 

I’m trying to eat very light. Fruits and veggies and get all cleaned out and start a probiotic tomorrow. Going to sprouts to find a good one hopefully today. 

Sprouts has Tillamook beef sticks that are uncured and nitrate free that are amazing for those “I’m starving but can’t eat” moments. Grab and go. Fills you up and it isn’t full of crap! 
My husband is getting our garage gym ready so that we can workout out there again and he is making some black beans for tacos lettuce wraps for lunch! I’m spring cleaning. In the winter.