Tag Archives: baby

Visiting

When we go to the Sonic in town we always drive to the cemetery and eat the ice cream. Well we rarely go to Sonic anymore so we haven’t been to the cemetery in a while. It shows by the overgrowth of grass around Timothy’s marker, Daniel doesn’t have a marker yet. Just can’t seem to do it. I feel like I have grieved and that will just rip the scab off of my healed up heart and i am not sure that I can handle that.

Anyways yesterday I smelled something, not sure exactly what or even why it brought me back but I just stood there. It brought me right back to my bathtub, being pregnant with Timothy. I would lay in the bath feeling sick and horrible and he would just start to roll and kick. I just pictured his little feet in there just dancing away. It took all the yuckies away getting to feel that.

When I stand right here in this spot I feel close to them. I know they aren’t right there but I saw their precious tiny body get lowered into the ground right here so right here is where I feel them. Its where I force myself to be still, slow down, and just be still. Some moments I miss those what would have been things.

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The the glaring female at the grocery store

My baby screams.

Not in fits, but joy. He laughs, screeches and screams a LOT.

We walk through Walmart and you can hear him across the store.

And I smile.

You glare but I smile. You know why?

I buried a baby boy in 2012 and I buried a baby boy in 2013. I thought I would never deliver a live baby again. But I did. This little screamer is my miracle. He is my rainbow after a long season of storms. He is the light that brightened my dark soul.

So scream baby boy scream. I am thankful I have a live little human to scream. I am thankful and I smile because I did not have to bury another baby boy, he is healthy, he is here and he is screaming at the store

Deal with it

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3 Month Old

I have been so busy I forgot all about my blog!

 

Man!!

 

My little miracle of squishy love is 3 months old now. He loves to talk. He smiles and coos and laughs. He loves to laugh. He is working on sitting up and is halfway to rolling over all the way. He keeps trying. He is so sweet, silly and handsome and I am completely smitten. This boy had got me wrapped around his little finger. The big kids are just as in love and so is daddy. We thank God that he made it here. My older two say they are so glad he didn’t die like our last two. I just tell them I am glad too. So so glad.

 

We are working on more tummy time and up time to work out a flat spot on his head. We have to go back to the craniofacial surgeon in three months to check again. We brought him to check for craniosynostosis due to his soft spot being small. I am not sure we are out of the woods with that yet but I think it is all good. The doctor said it looks just fine. So we work on the flat spot. Otherwise he may need helmet therapy. Trevor had the same issue but his worked itself out.

 

I am slowly working back into photography but I find that my true passion is in just taking pictures of my family. I love doing photo sessions but not as much as I love being at home with my babes. It is hard to really figure out what to do. Do I pursue photography part time, do I try to sell more crochet work instead….. or do I just let it all go and if I get a session or make a sale, great and if not then great too? I don’t know. I was getting hard on myself seeing long term clients go to another photographer. It was upsetting. Then I just took it as a reminder that my kids and husband come first and that is just more time that I have with them. Between the house and homeschool and everything in between, time is scarce and the days go by too fast!

 

So hopefully I can manage to blog once a month…. hopefully I can manage to cook a good dinner once a month too! HA!

Things they don’t tell you

So I went in to be induced with Jace and deliver normally. Turned into a C-section, so I never had the chance to be warned. The people I did ask about C-sections though said it was easy breezy. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

I have a high pain tolerance and it was hell!!

You feel like your guts are going to fall out of your incision area. Every time you move it hurts ALL over.

You go into the operating room and have to sit on the table and get the epidural. You know, just a needle in your spine that sends sharp shooting pain down your back into your hip. It felt like my hip was being burned and stabbed at the same time. The poor doctor had to physically hold me still because I could not hold still it hurt so bad. When I got the epidural with Trevor it did not hurt, I think because I was already in pain having contractions.

Then you lay down.

They do a pinch test which you don’t feel and then away they go cutting you open.

Inches from my face was a billowing blue curtain hanging so that I obviously couldn’t watch my own surgery. But it was billowing. It made me so sick. Then I got a wave of dizziness and nausea, the anesthesiologist gave me lost of different medicines to help with my nasties. Not too long later after tugging and pulling and feeling so creepy like I have an alien trying to bust out of me, there was Jace. Arms out, legs kicking and screaming up a storm. The most glorious cry. He was alive. I am still in awe that I delivered a live baby. A live precious perfect amazing baby. I forgot about the fact that my stomach was sliced open and they were getting me sewn up and everything. I just cried. Happy tears. The last two hospital trips were not happy tears. These happy tears were glorious.

Then we go to recovery.

Lots of pain medicines and poking and prodding. Lots of pain.

It hurts to sit up, it hurts to hold your baby. It hurts to cough and sneeze. Everything hurts.

And you swell. I did. I swelled up huge. Bigger than the pregnancy swelling. I read that it was from the Pitocin and IV.

Also the nurses come in all the time asking if you farted. Did you pass gas yet? Gotta pass some gas? gosh, once you do, you are so excited because they finally lay off and quit asking. lol.

The bleeding is so much less with a C-section which is great, but the pain is so much more.

Getting up to walk the following day is HARD!!! I was determined though. I actually got to go home a day early because I got up and walking soon, I passed gas, I ate just fine and went to the bathroom fine.

Let me say this, don’t try to be brave and skip the pain pills. TAKE THEM!!!

Sleep rest and accept help because you will need it.

My guy is 4 weeks old today and I am just starting to feel like my old self again, only I cant lift anything but him for 2 more weeks.

 

Sleepless Night…..and I’m not complaining!

I can’t post to Facebook it seems. People can’t tell tone or know my heart I guess. And then when they comment something silly I want to delete it. lol.

Jace didn’t sleep well last night, I am dog tired. Everytime I tried to lay him down he would wake right up.

Now here is the thing. I can deal with being tired.

I can deal with him not wanting to be put down.

I will gladly snuggle baby in my arms ALL night!!

When I say he didn’t sleep well I am just making a statement. Not complaining! When I type it I have a huge smile on my face because I have a baby. He survived my hostile body. Like my kids say “Mom I am so happy Jace didn’t die”  ME TOO kids, me too!

I will gladly wear and hold him all day and night and when he wont sleep I will gladly stay up and stare at his sweet face 🙂

And when I change his diaper and then ten seconds later he poops in a fresh diaper, I will just laugh 🙂

I am BLESSED ❤ Thankful ❤ Happy ❤

 

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The First Week

I can not believe my little miracle is ten days old already! In the midst of pain, healing and no sleep it has all been a blissful blur. The pain, the healing the lack of sleep are all amazing because it means I have a LIVE baby. My little guy is such a fighter, he made it! He is here. I just stare at him in awe. He is such a fighter, Timothy and Daniel just couldn’t make it but Jace was able to hold on. I think he somehow had his brothers rooting him on.

He loves to laugh and smile in his sleep. It makes me think that God is letting his big brothers visit him in his dreams.

I have gone picture happy with my cell phone and my big camera, but nothing fancy,

We did have an AMAZING photographer R & J studios come and do some newborn pictures at the hospital, here are a few, I can NOT wait to see the rest!!

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I am still speechless over these pictures and how precious and perfect my little miracle is! I highly recommend Rebecca, her photography and professionalism is amazing, she makes it all so easy and effortless, even when I am in this big yellow hospital gown, it was all totally fine and the pictures all look lovely. Check out her website and book! http://randjstudios.com/blogsite/ She is worth it!

Birth story

I was so ready to write this big ol’ long birth story. I wrote a few pages with my others.

This time was different.

We checked in at 6am ready to be induced.

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Doctor came in at 8am and checked with ultrasound to find his position because we had such a hard time finding and keeping his heart beat on the monitor.

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Little guy is breech. Head up and feet down.

She said we have two options.

Try to flip him.

I said no

Or c-section him. We went with that and Jace was born at 9:55 am this morning July 21, 2014 weighting 6 pounds 5 ounces measuring 19 inches long.

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He is perfect. Perfect!!!!

I am in pain. No one tells you how much after the cesarean hurts!!

After losing three babies total. Two in a row. After never thinking I would carry another baby past 19 weeks I am just blown away. Speechless. Smitten. In love.

It’s The Final Countdown

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Two days left baby!!

I have been counting down for so long, begging God, pleading, telling baby to keep growing. Praying for this miracle to work out and here I sit, two days left. Tomorrow we get some final shopping done and get the hospital bags loaded up. Monday we leave at about 5:30am and head to the hospital to start the process.

It feels so unreal.

 

Tomorrow I get to say TOMORROW!! I just cant wait to get the process rolling!

 

I will be updating my blog as labor and contractions allow me to and will post updates on instagram but I will be staying off of Facebook, going to let my husband manage that one. I am thankful to have so many friends and family waiting for updates and pictures, just reminds me of how many people will be praying for us on Monday. Bring me a little bit of peace when my heart is trying to be anxious.

 

These are a few of my favorite things

Just a few of my favorite things from the Pacific Northwest…..people and places. Just a few. The next trip we take back there I will have a lot more to add.

Some Texas favorites will come soon!

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Mountains!! You don’t realize how much you take for granted until you move somewhere FLAT!! Texas is gorgeous in its random quirky ways, but where we are is so flat. When we flew into Portland I almost cried seeing the mountains. They are just awe inspiring and majestic……living there, you tend to overlook them, but once they are gone, you realize just how amazing they are and how lucky you were to get to grow up with them!

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PORTLAND!! Portland is just a hot mess but I adore it. it is fun and funky and so so weird. The most favorite store of mine is Powell’s bookstore. It is like 3 levels, HUGE and CHEAP!! You can get a brand new book with a dime size coffee stain for just a few dollars. Pennies basically. They have sheet music (my husband loves) and all kinds of other things.  Another radness is COFFEE of course 🙂

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When we went to Oregon a few years ago the Powell’s parking garage was full and we could not find a spot so we found this rad yarn store. It was the highlight of my day!! I love funky yarn shops. I also love the yarn bombed tree 😀 Makes me want to yarn bomb things. I think I just love Portland because everyone is themselves and no one judges you.

 

 

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The most awesome daddio EVER!! My dad, he is Pacific Northwest forever. My dad is strong and smart, funny and wise, patient and positive. He hunts (and calls Texan hunters pansies) and loves to go pick amazing chanterelle mushrooms. He can grow anything, he has a garden and loads of fruit trees and so many gorgeous flowers. And my gorgeous sisters ❤ I miss them but am so proud of how good they are all doing.

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Family!! I have ten aunts and uncles just on my dads side. That equals a crap ton of cousins and second cousins. they all live in the Pacific Northwest. I just adore my family and am always so proud of them. We don’t keep in touch very well but we can always pick up where we left off, even if we hadn’t seen each other in years. Family is oh so precious!!

 

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Pastor Ken, he gets his own shout out. Pastor Ken was my grandpa’s pastor at Robert Gray Baptist Church, when my grandpa died I decided to get my life together and get my butt back into church. Pastor Ken was the one and only person that I told about the drugs and partying I was doing. he held me accountable and didn’t judge me. When I met Matthew and we wanted to get married he counseled us, when we lost our first son Ryley to a miscarriage at 13 weeks, he consoled us. He is an amazing listening ear and advice giver, he is super funny and patient, he is wise and fun and laid back, he is so easy to be around. Oh I miss Pastor Ken!!

 

6281184714_e39c61a209_z 6281204852_017c3744f3_b This mimosa tree is the baby of the mimosa tree that I fell in love with as a child. It was big and had a thick trunk that I used to climb and sit in. It blooms the most pretty pink flowers. My dad had to cut that one down and this one started growing in its place! Mimosa trees hold a special place in my heart, they are in Texas as well but this one is extra special to me.

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I have more pictures to add but I will close with this. My son. Ryley J. Our first pregnancy. Our first baby. He is buried up on a hill at a cemetery in Kelso, WA. I think of him often. I always wonder if he would have been the baby that ended up actually looking like me. I wonder what his laugh would have sounded like. If he would have loved gaming like Trevor, or sports, or outdoors, or what. Anyways a huge piece of my heart will always lie in the Pacific Northwest because my precious child is buried there.

The Pacific Northwest is rainy and gray, but the coffee is good and the people will welcome you into their family. The relationships are deep and lasting once you can break through peoples hard shells. The scenery is to die for, the coast will leave you speechless. There is so much to see and do, you will never get bored. Except for in the rainy season. If you can find successful work there, it is a place to set roots and never leave.