Tag Archives: faith

Hopeless to Hopeful

In March of 2004 I experienced a miscarriage at 13 weeks into my pregnancy. We delivered a baby boy, born still at home. This loss led me to discover that I had a thyroid problem that required surgery and medicine. June of 2005 we had a healthy rainbow baby Trevor and in 2006 my little sunshine Hannah.

Five years later I was pregnant again and so sick! I was also struggling with high blood pressure. At about 16 weeks i felt like something wasn’t right anymore… i felt this sense of impending doom almost. At my big gender ultrasound at 19.5 weeks we found out that our baby, a boy had no heartbeat. Timothy George was born May 5th, 2012 and was buried Mothers day that year.

One year later we found out at 16 weeks pregnant that another son had gone to be with Jesus. May 16th 2013 we found out he died, May 17th my hope and faith went cold and May 18th we delivered and said hello goodbye to Daniel Timothy.

I quit praying.

I quit anything God related.

I was angry.

I could not wrap my mind around why God would allow me to get pregnant, the baby die and turn around and let me get pregnant and another baby die one year later. I did not get it and do not get it. I may never get it. I could not see God as good. I struggled so badly and I figured that just sticking God on the back burner was easier than facing my questions and struggles. Just forgetting that I ever had any kind of faith was easier.

I understood all of my non christian friends and why they don’t believe. I got it.

I was so mad I very rarely even muttered a half hearted prayer my whole pregnancy with Jace. Why. I prayed and begged God to keep Timothy and Daniel safe and they died so why even pray for Jace? If he was going to die it would happen with or without prayers.

My heart started to heal after Jace was born and healthy but my faith was still in the ditch.

It wasn’t until I met this rad pastor and his messages that peaked my interest in figuring out my faith again. Then Easter Sunday during the launch of The Church on Masters Road I was ready. Pastor Jason really knows how to preach Jesus in a way that gets you craving Him. I longed for that connection to Jesus again and being mad was just getting exhausting.

So upon wanting to come back to Jesus I needed to figure out why I ran away.

I needed to know WHY I had these losses. It was consuming me. I FINALLY realized that I can’t possibly begin to know why.

Ecclesiastes 11:5 says  “Just as you don’t know the path of the wind,  or how bones develop in the womb of a pregnant woman, so you don’t know the work of God who makes everything.”  I had to let go and I am finally ok with not understanding things sometimes. I can’t put God in a box, and I finally realized that not only do we live in a fallen world with death and sin but I can only see the now and God sees the future. I can’t possibly expect to know why my babies die, why did God allow it to happen twice, one year apart. Why He allowed this weight of grief to almost crush me completely… 

So realizing that the “why’s” of life will kill me and any chance of joy I decided to cling to 2 Corinthians 1:4 “He comforts us in all our affliction,  so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”  I have tried and always try to show love and grace to the hurting. I try to listen when I know people need an ear and when someone goes through a loss like mine I will move mountains to help them. 

In Romans it says “And not only that,  but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us,  because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”  

Having buried 3 babies I have learned to be patient, I have learned to love deeper and give more. I have learned that life is short and you should not waste one second. I have learned that even if you lose sight of your faith, you CAN come back! You are never too far to come back to Jesus. I have learned to enjoy the little things in life.

Just remember “When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.”

God is with you, even in bleak moments of hopelessness….He is there even when you feel completely alone…He LOVES you even when a trial comes your way. Please don’t ever do what I did and turn your back on God!

My heaven babies left me forever changed. I am better because of them.

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Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

So

a brief testimony if I can formulate my word effectively here.

My pastor said “Fear and faith take up the same place in your heart”

Think about that for a second. I had to draw it for a better visual.
Sept doodles_16

Well starting in 2012 fear started pouring into my “cup”. It started at the end of April actually, before we found out that our baby died. I just had a bad “feeling” that I couldn’t shake. May3rd I think was the ultrasound day in 2012 where we got the news that at 19 weeks pregnant our son was no longer living. We checked in to the hospital May 4th and delivered him May 5th. Fear was trickling in.

May 2013 after a year of steady fear trickling into my “cup” we were told that at 16 weeks pregnant we again had a son that was no longer living.

Fear came in and flooded my soul. Faith flooded over, poured out of the cup and didn’t want to return, because as you can see, fear and faith take up the same place in your heart.

I mean, how could I have faith when God let me walk through HELL twice. A year apart. Back to back. Despite my begging and pleading for my babies lives….they both died. Faith had no room in my heart.

I see how people can quit believing.

But here’s the thing. I never stopped believing. I questioned everything in existence but in the depths of my should I still believed…..but Satan believes… believing doesn’t mean a lot.

My heart was wounded and I didn’t know how to reconcile that.

I didn’t know how to begin to fill my cup with faith and let the fear wash out never to return… my heart was weary.

I asked God to reveal Himself to me again. I asked God to make Himself known. He had been there the whole time but I asked Him to help me see Him again.

I had emailed my Pastor family friend weeks prior with no response and after my prayer with God, the next day the pastor called me. I told him my struggles and he spoke exactly what I needed to hear. That night a lady reached out to me on Facebook and that following evening the pastor at church spoke exactly what my friend and I had touched on. It was like God was saying “Hello here I am”

I can’t dismiss that. The timing. The soul healing words from three different people who had no idea what I needed.

It was God.

Since then I had been reading my Bible more than normal. I have been doodling scripture to help write it on my soul. I have been praying. Like actually praying, which I haven’t done in a few years. I had figured “Why pray” I prayed and begged God to spare me the pain of facing another loss one year after the previous loss. I cried out to Him and He did not give me what I so selfishly asked for… why pray. My attitude about prayer has sure changed since then too and I am so thankful.

I am a HUGE work in progress and my faith is working itself out again…..but it feels amazing and scary and weird in a good way. I can officially say that I am here, ready…. re-committing my life to Jesus. Thankful that I can come to Him, a work in  progress, and He will love me anyways ❤

Questions and Conclusions

I think in loss you have so many questions. You wonder why. You ask God why.

If you are a good God and You care about me why let me be grief stricken so hard?
Why let my babies die?
Why pray?
I begged You God, to save my babies and you didn’t…why?

I could go on and on. When all of these questions rolled through my head i stopped praying and reading my Bible. Thats when i set God aside.

Ive been in my Bible again since March and I have slowly begun really praying and trying to be in a constant state of prayer….. and heres the conclusions I have come to.

God IS good.

I do not see the bigger picture.

I pray to align my will to His not for Him to give me what I want because I do not see the big picture and He does.

God CAN handle my anger. I have sure had a lot of it and I am thankful He still loves me.

I need to vocalize my junk so that I can work through it. Maybe I am weird but if I don’t voice it then it goes on the back burner and does not ever get addressed.

I see Joy again. I see Peace again. Ive got a journey ahead but I know God will use all of this stuff for something good. Someday. Im ready.

Head and Heart

So when i was a kid I was a big pot head partier. I guess I was a teen…. from about 12-15 years old.
I was living a double life and told my Pastor on new years eve 2001. I told him what I was doing and that I needed to quit and needed his help. I was super depressed and could not stop what I was doing. After telling him, I never went back to my old ways. Telling someone, vocalizing my inner struggle and asking for help instantly changed me inside and out.

So of course when I was struggling with getting that joy of the Lord back into my life, I called him to talk to him. I actually emailed him and he took a week to pray and get his words right and he called me.
He told me exactly what my heart needed. He told me that Jesus has got me and even though I may feel disconnected right now, even mad sometimes, whatever it is….He hasn’t left me. he told me to keep doing what I’m doing. Keep living, reading the bible, praying and serving. Keep raising my babies for Jesus and being the wife and mom i need to be and God will sort it out.
He reminded me that grief can’t be put on a timeline and there is no exact order. He told me it is ok, my heart was hurt, grief hurts, loss hurts and we all deal with it in our own way and our own time and I have seemed to shove the grief down for a while and because I put my faith on the back burner, the grief process kinda did the same.

So here I am.

I was in such an ugly place and now I feel like there is light at the end of the three year long dark tunnel.
I have always had the head knowledge that God is good, etc,etc but deep down I wasn’t sure i believed…. anything… My head and heart didn’t connect and I FINALLY feel like they are connecting. Now to just let me walls down with God again because there are still a few walls up.

Anyways it is hard. But its good. I hope some day I can look back and see that the last three years have molded me into something amazing and that hopefully i have helped people along the way.

Music heals the soul

I have been in this faith crisis for a few years now.

Ive been mad.

Ive wondered if I even believe anymore….

I messaged my sweet wise friend. I consider her a spiritual mentor. She will always take time out of her day to talk to me and answer any question I have. Her whole family has blessed me in one way or another.

Anyways she told me to stop, be still, and get real with God. Tell Him my anger. Listen. Read the Bible. Pray. And LISTEN. I can’t work out my anger when I am not even speaking of it.

We have been reading the Bible daily since March. We pray as a family. I need to work on personal study and prayer too because there I lack.

But I have been having my heart strings tugged on through music. I have been hearing songs that speak of my life right where I am at…..

Silence

I can’t do silence.

I can’t still my soul.

I can’t be still.

It’s my nightmare.

I tried it the other day and I just cried. My heart broke again and again.

When i am still and quiet my heart and soul go back to my losses, it just shows me that I never did properly grieve. I had to be put together and ok for my family and I pushed it away. I cried at night alone. I cried in the bathroom, in the shower. I pulled it together for the good of everyone.

Little did anyone know I was wrecked. My faith was gone and I hated the world.

I really shook my fist at God, and secretly in my heart wondered if he was even there. How could he be there…….how did He love me but let my babies die. I could not be ok with it.

When we were picking a name for our new miracle baby we looked up the meaning we wanted and then picked a name. We wanted the name to mean Healing because this baby would bring healing to our wounded souls. We settled on jace and he has really brought healing to my heart and in turn my faith is slowing coming back, i have come a long way but I have a long way to go as well.

which is why i still struggle with being still and quiet.

God and stuff

So when we buried Timothy My heart was broken but my faith wasn’t too shaken, when a year later we buried another baby, my faith took a nosedive.

I’ve been trying to fake it until I make it with my faith and it just hasn’t worked.

I’ve been on the verge of just throwing it all away so many times, why keep trying when my heart isn’t in it.

Then I decided to watch this photographers memorial service. She was so young, she died on a brain aneurysm. She had a husband and five kids at home.

I missed about 15 minutes of it, tuned in to hear her mom, aunt, cousins, friends, and then her husband got up there. He spoke so eloquently. He just shined his love for her. He spoke of their losses, their struggle in the faith, his struggle and now here he is burying his precious wife. He said how he felt this intense sadness, i can’t remember his exact words. basically the worst feeling in the world and then peace. it was still horrible and heartbreaking and awful but he had a peace that she was ok and things were going to be ok. His testimony of love and faith was so very powerful.

Then the pastor preached. It was beautiful. The one thing that stuck out was that God did not design death, so when we say death is a part of life we are wrong. God designed life. Not death. Death came into the world after sin and the fall of man. God sent Jesus to die for us so that the life He intended us to have we can have forever in Heaven with Him.

I just left so much love, faith and peace even when everyones hearts were broken.

Someone so young dying really puts your own mortality into perspective. Life is short and our tomorrow is not guaranteed.

I can’t spend another day walking the fence in my faith. I have it or I don’t. I love God or I don’t. I believe Jesus died for me or I don’t.

I choose faith. I choose God. I choose Jesus. I choose Peace.
I choose not to fake it until I make it anymore. Faith faith is no faith.

My goal: Be in God’s word daily.

Pray continually

Love everyone and hopefully my faith will grow again and begin to shine. Oh God restore unto me the fire that I once had and may I never be content and stagnant. May I never get full in my faith, may I always need and want more of you. God please 🙂