In March of 2004 I experienced a miscarriage at 13 weeks into my pregnancy. We delivered a baby boy, born still at home. This loss led me to discover that I had a thyroid problem that required surgery and medicine. June of 2005 we had a healthy rainbow baby Trevor and in 2006 my little sunshine Hannah.
Five years later I was pregnant again and so sick! I was also struggling with high blood pressure. At about 16 weeks i felt like something wasn’t right anymore… i felt this sense of impending doom almost. At my big gender ultrasound at 19.5 weeks we found out that our baby, a boy had no heartbeat. Timothy George was born May 5th, 2012 and was buried Mothers day that year.
One year later we found out at 16 weeks pregnant that another son had gone to be with Jesus. May 16th 2013 we found out he died, May 17th my hope and faith went cold and May 18th we delivered and said hello goodbye to Daniel Timothy.
I quit praying.
I quit anything God related.
I was angry.
I could not wrap my mind around why God would allow me to get pregnant, the baby die and turn around and let me get pregnant and another baby die one year later. I did not get it and do not get it. I may never get it. I could not see God as good. I struggled so badly and I figured that just sticking God on the back burner was easier than facing my questions and struggles. Just forgetting that I ever had any kind of faith was easier.
I understood all of my non christian friends and why they don’t believe. I got it.
I was so mad I very rarely even muttered a half hearted prayer my whole pregnancy with Jace. Why. I prayed and begged God to keep Timothy and Daniel safe and they died so why even pray for Jace? If he was going to die it would happen with or without prayers.
My heart started to heal after Jace was born and healthy but my faith was still in the ditch.
It wasn’t until I met this rad pastor and his messages that peaked my interest in figuring out my faith again. Then Easter Sunday during the launch of The Church on Masters Road I was ready. Pastor Jason really knows how to preach Jesus in a way that gets you craving Him. I longed for that connection to Jesus again and being mad was just getting exhausting.
So upon wanting to come back to Jesus I needed to figure out why I ran away.
I needed to know WHY I had these losses. It was consuming me. I FINALLY realized that I can’t possibly begin to know why.
Ecclesiastes 11:5 says “Just as you don’t know the path of the wind, or how bones develop in the womb of a pregnant woman, so you don’t know the work of God who makes everything.” I had to let go and I am finally ok with not understanding things sometimes. I can’t put God in a box, and I finally realized that not only do we live in a fallen world with death and sin but I can only see the now and God sees the future. I can’t possibly expect to know why my babies die, why did God allow it to happen twice, one year apart. Why He allowed this weight of grief to almost crush me completely…
So realizing that the “why’s” of life will kill me and any chance of joy I decided to cling to 2 Corinthians 1:4 “He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” I have tried and always try to show love and grace to the hurting. I try to listen when I know people need an ear and when someone goes through a loss like mine I will move mountains to help them.
In Romans it says “And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
Having buried 3 babies I have learned to be patient, I have learned to love deeper and give more. I have learned that life is short and you should not waste one second. I have learned that even if you lose sight of your faith, you CAN come back! You are never too far to come back to Jesus. I have learned to enjoy the little things in life.
Just remember “When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.”
God is with you, even in bleak moments of hopelessness….He is there even when you feel completely alone…He LOVES you even when a trial comes your way. Please don’t ever do what I did and turn your back on God!
My heaven babies left me forever changed. I am better because of them.