i grew up in and out of church. I knew God existed but I never followed Him. When my grandpa died I began to evaluate my faith further.
I had decided in my heart to flow Jesus and I became a Christian.
Fast forward one loss and two kids later
Still living and loving Jesus.
I go through another loss but am still pretty ok in my faith. And then a year later another loss.
Now I have issues.
I wondered after all this pain why did I want anything to do with God. He could have spared my pain….. X’s 3.
I decided that I didn’t want to decide anything. I just put my faith on the back burner and forgot about it.
At that point I still believed in my head, but my heart wasn’t in it. I hoped that my heart would get back to what my head believed but I just felt cold toward the Lord.
After re evaluating everything I believed in I realized my heart was ready to get back in the game. I decided it was time to get to know Jesus again in a whole new way.
My whole point is if you believe in God with your head but not your heart, don’t give up.
Read, study and pray. Figure out your beliefs. Just you and God. Dig deep and keep focused and find a rich deep faith. I’m on a new journey trying to get back to that rich deep faith. I’m far from it right now but ready to work my way back.
I’m still slightly pissed that I faced so much loss. I’m mad that my body failed me. I’m not mad that God didn’t intervene. (I’m not really mad. But I’m not sure what word to use to describe that ache)
But I’m taking my faith off the back burner. Slowly but surely.
here was one of my biggest struggles.
Read that last sentence. You can pray for anything and if you have faith you will receive it.
So. Does this verse mean what it says?
Did I not have enough faith for God to save my babies?
It’s not all about my losses and babies but that life moment is what has shaken my faith so that’s what I go back to.
So can someone explain what the verse means ?
Was my faith not good enough to save my babies?
Edited to add this beautiful explanation from facebook!! Wise guy!
Ok. Here’s the deal. My faith sucks. Since May of 2012 my faith has gone on a rollercoaster ride with a few high highs and many very low and dark lows.
I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to believe in God anymore. Even right now at this very minute, if I am honest, I can’t say that I am in a good place with God. I don’t know exactly what I believe. A lot of christians make me mad and a lot of non christians understand me and my questions.
So I am going to start blogging my journey in faith. Seeking God and defining what I believe. I hope to post once a week. People might not like what I post sometimes but I’m just gonna be real. It is my blog after all!!
It’s amazing how things can change. Life. Faith. Friends. Love. Ideas. It doesn’t take much to spawn change.
For a while now my faith has been extremely lagging. Stagnant. No good.
But it’s always hung on. Even if by a thread.
Here’s some things I’ve mulled over, questioned and thought about.
1. Does my prayer change anything? Is God going to hear my prayer and change the outcome to be what I’m asking. Does it even matter?
2. Is God actively involved in our lives? Or did He take a small step back when free will came into play?
3. Does God cause bad things to happen? Does He allow bad things to happen? Or do bad things just happen due to our sinful nature and fallen world?
4. How can Christians be so mean sometimes? Proclaim Christ and condemn so quickly.
5. Is fear, doubt, or worry a sin?
The list keeps going.
Have I found answers? To some. Do I still have questions? A few. Have I ever not believed or had faith? No. Have I doubted, questioned and changed what I believe? A ton. I’ve changed a lot in just the last few months and I see change still coming too.