Tag Archives: faithless

Testimony

I was a hard partier as a teenager. I was mean, dishonest, deceitful…. When my grandpa, full of faith and joy, died….i was crushed.

All of his talks with me about God, all of his words and singing and times at church all flooded back to me.

I went to his funeral and the pastor there preached. He changed my life. I was in church the next Sunday and every one following.

9 months after going to church after sinking into a deep depression….i told my pastor about my partying double life. He prayed for me and held me accountable and I quit. Everything. I was on fire for God! Joy poured out of me. I was in love.

I was married in 2002, my senior year of high school. We gave birth to and buried our first child, a baby boy March 2004. We found out I had thyroid problems and that I needed surgery and were told to not get pregnant again until my thyroid was treated. May 2004 I had 3/4 of my thyroid removed, praise God it was not cancerous.

June 2005 we had our Rainbow baby Trevor and in 2006 we had our Sunshine baby Hannah.  Then in 2007 we made a HUGE move to Angleton, TX. Matthew was accepted as a music minister at a baptist church there and it felt perfect.

The first Sunday there the church SPLIT. Then there was another split and then the crazy came out and the church eventually crumbled. (Long story if you want to hear it i will tell it in person)

Matthew was blessed with a fruitful piano technician business and after a brief stint at Home Depot he is and has been full time self employed.

in 2011 we found out we were expecting a baby and we were THRILLED, beyond thrilled. In May 2012 we went in for our big 20 week ultrasound and found out our baby boy had died. I went in the next day and labor was induced and the next day Timothy was born. He was laid to rest Mother’s day that year. (Another long story I can tell in person) November we found out we were pregnant again, Daniel was on his way. We were scared. Really scared. We went in for our 16 week appointment we had a horrible feeling and it was confirmed in an ultrasound that Daniel was a boy and had in fact died just as Timothy had. We went in and another baby was born still. We buried another baby.

When we buried Timothy, My faith was strong. I knew that things happen. I clung to God. I was strong and held on to my faith. When we laid Daniel to rest I felt my soul go cold. I felt like there was no God. I felt cold, and dark. I felt no more joy. I felt no more peace. The very thing i begged God for and He let both babies die. He had the power to stop it but didn’t. How could a loving God let me bury two babies in a row. I thought about me, if I knew something bad was going to happen to my kids and I just sat back and let it happen. I could not do it. If I had the power to stop them from losing a baby I would. So I didn’t get why God would let it happen to me again and again. I felt like if that is who god is and that is His nature and Character then I didn’t want Him anymore.

Jace came along in July 2014 and that horrible hopelessness that I felt had a ray of light shine on it. I began to feel some sort of healing. Jace has truly been sunshine to my dark soul. His name actually means “A healing” and a healing he is. He has no idea how much of a freaking miracle he is.

Now let me just say this. My faith is no where near where  I want it to be. That coldness is still there That disconnect between me and God is still there. I know He has never left me, I turned from Him. I am working on that reconnection again. I do not know what I am doing, I do not know when I will get that spark and that love back. I do not know….. I don’t know…. I can’t be still and be quiet. My soul still feels troubled….. but I am not giving up. I know God is real. I know He loves me. I know He cares for me. I know He is amazing. I know in my head and am in a constant process of working on it in my heart. My heart will catch back up to my head. I just need to work through my grief and I need to work through my anger with God. I think thats what it boils down to. I am still mad at Him.

So I am in the Word daily. Prayer daily. Serving where I can. Trying to be an example of grace as often as I can. But I am a broken soul. I am a work in progress and I just pray, I just beg God to one day use my story for something mighty. I do not know what but my pain needs to be used for His glory.

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Silence

I can’t do silence.

I can’t still my soul.

I can’t be still.

It’s my nightmare.

I tried it the other day and I just cried. My heart broke again and again.

When i am still and quiet my heart and soul go back to my losses, it just shows me that I never did properly grieve. I had to be put together and ok for my family and I pushed it away. I cried at night alone. I cried in the bathroom, in the shower. I pulled it together for the good of everyone.

Little did anyone know I was wrecked. My faith was gone and I hated the world.

I really shook my fist at God, and secretly in my heart wondered if he was even there. How could he be there…….how did He love me but let my babies die. I could not be ok with it.

When we were picking a name for our new miracle baby we looked up the meaning we wanted and then picked a name. We wanted the name to mean Healing because this baby would bring healing to our wounded souls. We settled on jace and he has really brought healing to my heart and in turn my faith is slowing coming back, i have come a long way but I have a long way to go as well.

which is why i still struggle with being still and quiet.

God and stuff

So when we buried Timothy My heart was broken but my faith wasn’t too shaken, when a year later we buried another baby, my faith took a nosedive.

I’ve been trying to fake it until I make it with my faith and it just hasn’t worked.

I’ve been on the verge of just throwing it all away so many times, why keep trying when my heart isn’t in it.

Then I decided to watch this photographers memorial service. She was so young, she died on a brain aneurysm. She had a husband and five kids at home.

I missed about 15 minutes of it, tuned in to hear her mom, aunt, cousins, friends, and then her husband got up there. He spoke so eloquently. He just shined his love for her. He spoke of their losses, their struggle in the faith, his struggle and now here he is burying his precious wife. He said how he felt this intense sadness, i can’t remember his exact words. basically the worst feeling in the world and then peace. it was still horrible and heartbreaking and awful but he had a peace that she was ok and things were going to be ok. His testimony of love and faith was so very powerful.

Then the pastor preached. It was beautiful. The one thing that stuck out was that God did not design death, so when we say death is a part of life we are wrong. God designed life. Not death. Death came into the world after sin and the fall of man. God sent Jesus to die for us so that the life He intended us to have we can have forever in Heaven with Him.

I just left so much love, faith and peace even when everyones hearts were broken.

Someone so young dying really puts your own mortality into perspective. Life is short and our tomorrow is not guaranteed.

I can’t spend another day walking the fence in my faith. I have it or I don’t. I love God or I don’t. I believe Jesus died for me or I don’t.

I choose faith. I choose God. I choose Jesus. I choose Peace.
I choose not to fake it until I make it anymore. Faith faith is no faith.

My goal: Be in God’s word daily.

Pray continually

Love everyone and hopefully my faith will grow again and begin to shine. Oh God restore unto me the fire that I once had and may I never be content and stagnant. May I never get full in my faith, may I always need and want more of you. God please 🙂