When we go to the Sonic in town we always drive to the cemetery and eat the ice cream. Well we rarely go to Sonic anymore so we haven’t been to the cemetery in a while. It shows by the overgrowth of grass around Timothy’s marker, Daniel doesn’t have a marker yet. Just can’t seem to do it. I feel like I have grieved and that will just rip the scab off of my healed up heart and i am not sure that I can handle that.
Anyways yesterday I smelled something, not sure exactly what or even why it brought me back but I just stood there. It brought me right back to my bathtub, being pregnant with Timothy. I would lay in the bath feeling sick and horrible and he would just start to roll and kick. I just pictured his little feet in there just dancing away. It took all the yuckies away getting to feel that.
When I stand right here in this spot I feel close to them. I know they aren’t right there but I saw their precious tiny body get lowered into the ground right here so right here is where I feel them. Its where I force myself to be still, slow down, and just be still. Some moments I miss those what would have been things.