Tag Archives: grief

Questions and Conclusions

I think in loss you have so many questions. You wonder why. You ask God why.

If you are a good God and You care about me why let me be grief stricken so hard?
Why let my babies die?
Why pray?
I begged You God, to save my babies and you didn’t…why?

I could go on and on. When all of these questions rolled through my head i stopped praying and reading my Bible. Thats when i set God aside.

Ive been in my Bible again since March and I have slowly begun really praying and trying to be in a constant state of prayer….. and heres the conclusions I have come to.

God IS good.

I do not see the bigger picture.

I pray to align my will to His not for Him to give me what I want because I do not see the big picture and He does.

God CAN handle my anger. I have sure had a lot of it and I am thankful He still loves me.

I need to vocalize my junk so that I can work through it. Maybe I am weird but if I don’t voice it then it goes on the back burner and does not ever get addressed.

I see Joy again. I see Peace again. Ive got a journey ahead but I know God will use all of this stuff for something good. Someday. Im ready.

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Head and Heart

So when i was a kid I was a big pot head partier. I guess I was a teen…. from about 12-15 years old.
I was living a double life and told my Pastor on new years eve 2001. I told him what I was doing and that I needed to quit and needed his help. I was super depressed and could not stop what I was doing. After telling him, I never went back to my old ways. Telling someone, vocalizing my inner struggle and asking for help instantly changed me inside and out.

So of course when I was struggling with getting that joy of the Lord back into my life, I called him to talk to him. I actually emailed him and he took a week to pray and get his words right and he called me.
He told me exactly what my heart needed. He told me that Jesus has got me and even though I may feel disconnected right now, even mad sometimes, whatever it is….He hasn’t left me. he told me to keep doing what I’m doing. Keep living, reading the bible, praying and serving. Keep raising my babies for Jesus and being the wife and mom i need to be and God will sort it out.
He reminded me that grief can’t be put on a timeline and there is no exact order. He told me it is ok, my heart was hurt, grief hurts, loss hurts and we all deal with it in our own way and our own time and I have seemed to shove the grief down for a while and because I put my faith on the back burner, the grief process kinda did the same.

So here I am.

I was in such an ugly place and now I feel like there is light at the end of the three year long dark tunnel.
I have always had the head knowledge that God is good, etc,etc but deep down I wasn’t sure i believed…. anything… My head and heart didn’t connect and I FINALLY feel like they are connecting. Now to just let me walls down with God again because there are still a few walls up.

Anyways it is hard. But its good. I hope some day I can look back and see that the last three years have molded me into something amazing and that hopefully i have helped people along the way.

Rain and Rainbows

We were walking through Bed Bath and Beyond the other day. Its a dangerous store. We spend too much money. Anyways, a picture caught my eye and i just had to have it and that doesn’t happen often.

It Says “Without Rain There Will Be No Rainbows” and it has a rainbow and a cloud on it. Its gorgeous and sums us up well.

While I wish we never had to bury three babies, I would not change the experiences. I find that I cherish every second with Jace, even the hard ones because I know that he very well could have been one of my losses too.

I appreciate the good in life so much more than I think i would have without ever facing loss. The intense pain of burying babies heightens the good I know what cold, dark and scary feels like so the good feels extra good.

Anxiety and weight loss

As this weight loss and health process plays out I am in such thought lately…. like the kids will talk to me and I don’t even hear them, then they pinch me and I snap out of it. I’ve just been trying to figure out why I got so fat and unhealthy.

I have anxiety.

I have never been properly diagnosed but I know I have anxiety when I get physical reactions in certain situations. Parties and crowds terrify me. Calling people makes me want to puke. My hands shake when anyone watches me do anything….. I am terrible at small talk…. and sometimes I feel like i’m going to have a heart attack or pass out.

I have always been good at internalizing it and hiding it.

I have rarely talked about it.

I’m not proud of it.

Anxiety ruled my mind and my soul for so so long.

I couldn’t even ask the waitress at a restaurant for an extra fork because the anxiety of speaking up made me feel ill.

I buried my anxious nature in food. It is easier to be social over food. It is less awkward. Comfort food makes you feel better and takes your fear away. Food helped me cope with my anxiety and food made me even more anxious due to my gaining weight. what a vicious cycle.

As my weight has gone up my self-worth has gone down. I have never really felt good enough. I’ve rarely felt beautiful. I struggled to hold my head high. I worried that I wasn’t good enough for my husband. I felt like someone better than me would come along. So I ate some more.

Anyways.

I have realized that when I put healthy into my body, healthy comes out….in my mind, in my soul, in my confidence, in my energy….. good in and good out. Since I have been eating clean and exercising everyday I am pretty damn confident. I feel good. I look good even though I have a lot of weight to lose…. I am happy with me right now as I am. My goal is not to even lose weight but to build me strength, endurance and stamina.

I am still on this crazy process to heal my heart and mind after two baby losses in 2 years (2012 and 2013, three total) I also grief ate…. so I am still trying to process my grief without eating. I am trying to face it and move through it instead of avoiding it with food.

I have so much to work on but I feel like I have come so far in just 17 days that I have been working on things.

I am damn awesome

I am beautiful

I have worth

I can accomplish anything that I set my mind to
Here is my right now. I can’t wait to see what the next twelve weeks or serious workouts is going to do to my body. 

   
   

Now these before and after a are from December and now. So I have come a long way (only been working out and eating clean 17 days)  

  

  so if I see that progress in seventeen days I can’t wait to see what twelve weeks brings!