Tag Archives: Healing

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month 2015 day 2

IMG_1381After we lost Ryley I had my thyroid checked out, had a biopsy and it came back questionable… had to have 3/4 of my thyroid removed to test for cancer. It was extremely scary.
After my loss and still grieving and then going into surgery for possible cancer….
It sucked.
Praise God it was not cancer and I was put on medicine to balance my thyroid.

We had Trevor and Hannah back to back and then 5 years or so after Hannah we got pregnant with Timothy. This is Timothys story.

TIMOTHY’S STORY

I was so so sick with my little guy. But I was so happy. I would just praise God that the sick meant that things are going well.

At about 14 weeks into my pregnancy I started detaching myself, I started feeling dread, i started feeling like something bad was going to happen. Was God preparing me for losing my baby? Maybe. I told Him I could not handle another loss. I would have a breakdown. Maybe He was giving me a small heads up or something. I do not know. I did not speak a word of my fears to anyone until about 16 weeks or so and I texted my sister. I told her that I am feeling like I will be getting bad news soon, and the fear is starting to consume me. I tried to brush it off and pray for joy…. I could not brush it off.
At my doctor’s appointment that week, he pulled out the ultrasound wand like usual and checked the baby. He was unusually quick this time. The dumb doctor NEVER showed me my baby, but luckily Matthew was there over his shoulder looking. Well Matthew did not see our baby move and saw no heartbeat. The doctor did not seem concerned though, so Matthew just brushed it off, maybe he did not see correctly or something. I mean, a doctor wouldn’t see a dead baby and not tell us…..right? I began feeling Timothy move around 13 weeks, and did not feel another movement after 16 weeks. That is another reason the dread and fear never left.
That was at 16.5 weeks, at 17.5 weeks I had a nurse appointment, and then at 18.5 weeks we went for our big ultrasound. I journaled that day “Either the technician is going to tell us happily the gender, or tell us to wait she has to go get the doctor” I tried to be excited for that appointment, when I texted people i used lots of !!!! and tried….but in my heart i was not happy or excited. I was scared and already a little brokenhearted.
She told us our baby was not moving and she had to go and get the doctor. Then I could not breathe, my chest got tight and I got dizzy…… anxiety attack….. The doctor confirmed that our baby was dead. Our son was gone. The doctor was excellent, very caring and answered all of our questions very very well. He told us the sooner we checked in to deliver, the better.
We asked for a minute, they left, we cried, and cried and cried…… our poor kids did not know what was happening. Trevor didn’t care and when Hannah realized no baby would be coming home with us, she was so sad.
We left there broken and sad. We began the string of texting people and facebooking our devastating news. The more people we could tell without calling or being face to face, the better.

After making arrangements for Trevor and Hannah and getting an appointment with the hospital, we got it all set to go and would arrive there at 8:30am on May 4th……….ending the day with a lot of tears and no sleep,and a 1am bowl of cereal with my honey, and then more tears….

We got the sitter here, and left, went to check in to the hospital. I am so thankful for Matthew. He did all of the talking. He did it all. He checked me in, and I went to sit down, and then the lady that checked us in comes over and hands me a packet of info on BREASTFEEDING!!! Did she not even peek at the notes while checking me in??? OMG, i was holding it together so good and then I lost it. Then some more waiting and then doctor came to talk to us, the same one from the previous day. again I cried. Then seeing pregnant women coming and checking in, cried some more. Wow, my heart was broken. I longed for my baby to be alive and kicking and moving and growing. This sucks!!

We finally got in a room. They put a leaf and water drop thing on the door so people coming in would know that this was a sad time and not a joyous one, they would know to be extra sensitive. The first nurse said she knew exactly what I was going through and was very sweet. Every loss is different so you don’t really know exactly what I am going through though….i hate when people say that. She was very nice and caring though. All of the nurses and doctors were.

We waited until like 12:30pm for them to administer the first dose of the induction medicine. I got the meds at 12:30pm, 4:30pm, 8:30pm and then pitocin after that. My water broke somewhere between the 4:30pm and 8:30pm meds, but I was not dilating at all really. Thankfully this was all a blur and I had morphine. That stuff saved me from the pain and also dulled the emotional pain. (not advocating drugs to dull heartbreak though) at around 5:20am on May 5th I started feeling pressure and the need to push, I held it off as long as I could and then yelled for Matthew, he yelled for a nurse who yelled for the doctor, and I had to push, just as the doctor was coming in. I delivered my baby and then the tears, panic, fear and heartbreak set in, my whole body began shaking terribly, my chest hurt, i could not breathe and i felt like my world was falling apart.

No parent should go through labor and delivery and not get to hear their baby cry…..

Through all the shaking and hyperventilating all I remember is Matthew’s face, softly and calmly telling me to breathe. I cry just thinking about it now because when I locked eyes with his, and heard his soft voice, and I calmed down instantly and began to breathe.

Then the doctors were asking me if I was sure i wanted to see my baby….. I was like “YES” but he did not look good, he had passed away in the womb longer than they had anticipated I guess. Matthew told me “it’s ok, it’s ok, yes you want to see him” and I did. I held my precious baby boy and cried some more. The sweet nurse took him over and cleaned him up while I finished with the doctor, and then they brought him back. I got to look at him some more, I checked his tiny little feet, I counted his precious little toes, I checked his little fingers, I stared into his little tiny face, I marveled at his tiny little ears and his cute little mouth. And my heart broke more….. I would never hear his sweet newborn cry. I would never change a dirty diaper, I would never get up in the middle of the night with him, I would never see his first steps, or feed him his first real food. I would never get to teach him or see him learn and grow. I was grieving for all of the “never’s”

We got to spend time with him and then they took him down and took a picture for us and we got his footprints on a card, they could not get his little hands, they were too fragile. They brought us a memory box with a little bear and a small blanket and some other things along with his picture. They brought Timothy back and we said one more goodbye.

We got a bit of rest and eventually they moved us to make room for someone that was giving birth to a live baby. I understood they needed to do that but I also felt like “Your baby is dead and gone, time to shove you off and make room for someone that really needs this space” and we got put in this tiny triangle of a room that was very old and creepy looking.

The doctor came in after a bit and we demanded to go home that day. They usually keep you 24 hours after giving birth, but I said NO!!! So she made us stay 12 hours and ended up letting us go home at 5:30pm.

We got home and rested.

Now I forgot to add, the doctors could not tell me why my son had died. They said chromosomal something maybe, I say it was regarding my thyroid again. Mommy instinct is never wrong. I told the doctor about my nausea, he wouldn’t give me medicine for that, so I keep throwing up my thyroid medicine…..so I was probably not getting the dosage I needed to keep my levels normal in the time between when the levels were checked. It all pans out and makes sense, but they wouldn’t agree with me.

Advertisements

Head and Heart

So when i was a kid I was a big pot head partier. I guess I was a teen…. from about 12-15 years old.
I was living a double life and told my Pastor on new years eve 2001. I told him what I was doing and that I needed to quit and needed his help. I was super depressed and could not stop what I was doing. After telling him, I never went back to my old ways. Telling someone, vocalizing my inner struggle and asking for help instantly changed me inside and out.

So of course when I was struggling with getting that joy of the Lord back into my life, I called him to talk to him. I actually emailed him and he took a week to pray and get his words right and he called me.
He told me exactly what my heart needed. He told me that Jesus has got me and even though I may feel disconnected right now, even mad sometimes, whatever it is….He hasn’t left me. he told me to keep doing what I’m doing. Keep living, reading the bible, praying and serving. Keep raising my babies for Jesus and being the wife and mom i need to be and God will sort it out.
He reminded me that grief can’t be put on a timeline and there is no exact order. He told me it is ok, my heart was hurt, grief hurts, loss hurts and we all deal with it in our own way and our own time and I have seemed to shove the grief down for a while and because I put my faith on the back burner, the grief process kinda did the same.

So here I am.

I was in such an ugly place and now I feel like there is light at the end of the three year long dark tunnel.
I have always had the head knowledge that God is good, etc,etc but deep down I wasn’t sure i believed…. anything… My head and heart didn’t connect and I FINALLY feel like they are connecting. Now to just let me walls down with God again because there are still a few walls up.

Anyways it is hard. But its good. I hope some day I can look back and see that the last three years have molded me into something amazing and that hopefully i have helped people along the way.

Miracle Baby

I am in awe daily of this little baby ❤

My body seems to try to reject pregnancies….

Ryley died at 13 weeks gestation in 2004. We were blessed with Trevor and Hannah with no issue or concern, we thought Ryley dying was just a freak thing…..

so when we got pregnant with Timothy we thought we were pretty safe.

Until he died….at 19 weeks gestation, and then a year later Daniel at 16 weeks gestation.

Burying two babies in a year, I was pretty sure I would never get to hold another live baby of mine again.

I had give up all hope.

And then I found out I was pregnant with this guy.

I tried to distance myself, I tried to not bond, but I got a fetal heart Doppler and once I heard that heart beating I was in love.

I had prayed for Timothy and Daniel to be safe and live… and they didn’t. I prayed for Jace too but not as much. I had figured if he was going to die, that it would happen regardless. But he didn’t!

Anyways I say all of this because Jace is my miracle. My fighter. My strong boy. He fought against my body for 9 months and he made it.

He didn’t die.

As my kids always say “Mom aren’t you glad Jace didn’t die”

Yes I am guys. I am so glad he didn’t die.

I think my body failed me too many times….but he somehow hung on. And everyday I will be forever thankful and grateful and appreciate and cherish every second ❤

IMG_5486 copy IMG_5487 copy

Things they don’t tell you

So I went in to be induced with Jace and deliver normally. Turned into a C-section, so I never had the chance to be warned. The people I did ask about C-sections though said it was easy breezy. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

I have a high pain tolerance and it was hell!!

You feel like your guts are going to fall out of your incision area. Every time you move it hurts ALL over.

You go into the operating room and have to sit on the table and get the epidural. You know, just a needle in your spine that sends sharp shooting pain down your back into your hip. It felt like my hip was being burned and stabbed at the same time. The poor doctor had to physically hold me still because I could not hold still it hurt so bad. When I got the epidural with Trevor it did not hurt, I think because I was already in pain having contractions.

Then you lay down.

They do a pinch test which you don’t feel and then away they go cutting you open.

Inches from my face was a billowing blue curtain hanging so that I obviously couldn’t watch my own surgery. But it was billowing. It made me so sick. Then I got a wave of dizziness and nausea, the anesthesiologist gave me lost of different medicines to help with my nasties. Not too long later after tugging and pulling and feeling so creepy like I have an alien trying to bust out of me, there was Jace. Arms out, legs kicking and screaming up a storm. The most glorious cry. He was alive. I am still in awe that I delivered a live baby. A live precious perfect amazing baby. I forgot about the fact that my stomach was sliced open and they were getting me sewn up and everything. I just cried. Happy tears. The last two hospital trips were not happy tears. These happy tears were glorious.

Then we go to recovery.

Lots of pain medicines and poking and prodding. Lots of pain.

It hurts to sit up, it hurts to hold your baby. It hurts to cough and sneeze. Everything hurts.

And you swell. I did. I swelled up huge. Bigger than the pregnancy swelling. I read that it was from the Pitocin and IV.

Also the nurses come in all the time asking if you farted. Did you pass gas yet? Gotta pass some gas? gosh, once you do, you are so excited because they finally lay off and quit asking. lol.

The bleeding is so much less with a C-section which is great, but the pain is so much more.

Getting up to walk the following day is HARD!!! I was determined though. I actually got to go home a day early because I got up and walking soon, I passed gas, I ate just fine and went to the bathroom fine.

Let me say this, don’t try to be brave and skip the pain pills. TAKE THEM!!!

Sleep rest and accept help because you will need it.

My guy is 4 weeks old today and I am just starting to feel like my old self again, only I cant lift anything but him for 2 more weeks.

 

Baby Love

So this pregnancy had been quite the journey…..

 

I have had intense fear, worry and anxiety. I was detached, and terrified to let my walls down.

I had lost all hope in ever carrying a baby past 20 weeks.

I was at a bad doctors, and couldn’t get switched and things just felt hopeless all over again.

I was finally able to switch doctors to someone competent and the hope started building.

She referred me to a thyroid doctor at the first appointment. We got my thyroid on track and I have not had any issues.

My blood pressure has been good (it was high the last two pregnancies that ended in loss)

My thyroid levels were actually good.

Baby was growing right on cue.

 

Now I sit here 4 days from being induced because this little baby boy is so comfortable up in my ribs that he
has not dropped and I am showing no signs of labor at all.

Four days until I being the process of getting to see this blessed miracle face to face.

 

I am nervous to go into the hospital. I am nervous for the whole process.

The last two times I was in the hospital was to deliver still babies.

I guess I can be thankful it is a different hospital otherwise I would feel a lot more scared.

This will be good.

He will be good.

 

Pregnancy after a loss(es) is just a wild and scary journey. You never know if it will end up in another loss or not. You know it happened to you once, it can happen again at any point. You never really can just have a carefree pregnancy, can’t really feel safe until the baby is wrapped up and in your arms. Well in four days we will have ours in our arms. Four short days.

 

Here is the last ultrasound picture, it is hard to tell what it is but it is his face. Toward the middle of the picture is his nose…. oh he is just so cute and sweet already ❤

36w

Introduction

I just want to give a little introductory post to my new blog!

 

My name is Stacy. I am a Pacific Northwest girl born and raised. The hills, mountains and rain are in my blood. I grew up in rainy Washington state and loved every gray wet second of it.

I met and married my soul mate there as well.

I have my dad and half sisters there, my mom and her family and loads of aunts and uncles.

I have long time friends there.

 

So adjusting to making Texas home was hard at first.

It is a huge culture shock.

The scenery is different, the climate is different, the language and words used are different, the traditions, foods, and fun are different. It is a whole new world down here.

 

I longed for home for a long time. It really got in the way of a lot here. Home is where ever I live.  PNW will always be home, but Texas is home now too.

My husband has managed to build a beautiful career here. So here we stay!!

 

So this blog will mostly consist of Texas life. Homeschooling, kids, trips, outings, family, photography and us doing life. This blog is a fresh start, my last blog is full of heartbreak and healing over the deaths of two of our baby boys. I had a late term miscarriage at 19 weeks in 2012 and at 16 weeks in 2013. This blog is about the healing and moving forward and the soon to be welcoming of our new rainbow baby due on Monday.

 

I hope to post a lot more.

 

Here is my previous blog of loss and healing, please read it if you need to find encouragement and hope:

http://journeywithmysavior.wordpress.com/