Tag Archives: hope

Questions and Conclusions

I think in loss you have so many questions. You wonder why. You ask God why.

If you are a good God and You care about me why let me be grief stricken so hard?
Why let my babies die?
Why pray?
I begged You God, to save my babies and you didn’t…why?

I could go on and on. When all of these questions rolled through my head i stopped praying and reading my Bible. Thats when i set God aside.

Ive been in my Bible again since March and I have slowly begun really praying and trying to be in a constant state of prayer….. and heres the conclusions I have come to.

God IS good.

I do not see the bigger picture.

I pray to align my will to His not for Him to give me what I want because I do not see the big picture and He does.

God CAN handle my anger. I have sure had a lot of it and I am thankful He still loves me.

I need to vocalize my junk so that I can work through it. Maybe I am weird but if I don’t voice it then it goes on the back burner and does not ever get addressed.

I see Joy again. I see Peace again. Ive got a journey ahead but I know God will use all of this stuff for something good. Someday. Im ready.

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Miracle Baby

I am in awe daily of this little baby ❤

My body seems to try to reject pregnancies….

Ryley died at 13 weeks gestation in 2004. We were blessed with Trevor and Hannah with no issue or concern, we thought Ryley dying was just a freak thing…..

so when we got pregnant with Timothy we thought we were pretty safe.

Until he died….at 19 weeks gestation, and then a year later Daniel at 16 weeks gestation.

Burying two babies in a year, I was pretty sure I would never get to hold another live baby of mine again.

I had give up all hope.

And then I found out I was pregnant with this guy.

I tried to distance myself, I tried to not bond, but I got a fetal heart Doppler and once I heard that heart beating I was in love.

I had prayed for Timothy and Daniel to be safe and live… and they didn’t. I prayed for Jace too but not as much. I had figured if he was going to die, that it would happen regardless. But he didn’t!

Anyways I say all of this because Jace is my miracle. My fighter. My strong boy. He fought against my body for 9 months and he made it.

He didn’t die.

As my kids always say “Mom aren’t you glad Jace didn’t die”

Yes I am guys. I am so glad he didn’t die.

I think my body failed me too many times….but he somehow hung on. And everyday I will be forever thankful and grateful and appreciate and cherish every second ❤

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Baby Love

So this pregnancy had been quite the journey…..

 

I have had intense fear, worry and anxiety. I was detached, and terrified to let my walls down.

I had lost all hope in ever carrying a baby past 20 weeks.

I was at a bad doctors, and couldn’t get switched and things just felt hopeless all over again.

I was finally able to switch doctors to someone competent and the hope started building.

She referred me to a thyroid doctor at the first appointment. We got my thyroid on track and I have not had any issues.

My blood pressure has been good (it was high the last two pregnancies that ended in loss)

My thyroid levels were actually good.

Baby was growing right on cue.

 

Now I sit here 4 days from being induced because this little baby boy is so comfortable up in my ribs that he
has not dropped and I am showing no signs of labor at all.

Four days until I being the process of getting to see this blessed miracle face to face.

 

I am nervous to go into the hospital. I am nervous for the whole process.

The last two times I was in the hospital was to deliver still babies.

I guess I can be thankful it is a different hospital otherwise I would feel a lot more scared.

This will be good.

He will be good.

 

Pregnancy after a loss(es) is just a wild and scary journey. You never know if it will end up in another loss or not. You know it happened to you once, it can happen again at any point. You never really can just have a carefree pregnancy, can’t really feel safe until the baby is wrapped up and in your arms. Well in four days we will have ours in our arms. Four short days.

 

Here is the last ultrasound picture, it is hard to tell what it is but it is his face. Toward the middle of the picture is his nose…. oh he is just so cute and sweet already ❤

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