Tag Archives: loss of faith

Questions and Conclusions

I think in loss you have so many questions. You wonder why. You ask God why.

If you are a good God and You care about me why let me be grief stricken so hard?
Why let my babies die?
Why pray?
I begged You God, to save my babies and you didn’t…why?

I could go on and on. When all of these questions rolled through my head i stopped praying and reading my Bible. Thats when i set God aside.

Ive been in my Bible again since March and I have slowly begun really praying and trying to be in a constant state of prayer….. and heres the conclusions I have come to.

God IS good.

I do not see the bigger picture.

I pray to align my will to His not for Him to give me what I want because I do not see the big picture and He does.

God CAN handle my anger. I have sure had a lot of it and I am thankful He still loves me.

I need to vocalize my junk so that I can work through it. Maybe I am weird but if I don’t voice it then it goes on the back burner and does not ever get addressed.

I see Joy again. I see Peace again. Ive got a journey ahead but I know God will use all of this stuff for something good. Someday. Im ready.

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Testimony

I was a hard partier as a teenager. I was mean, dishonest, deceitful…. When my grandpa, full of faith and joy, died….i was crushed.

All of his talks with me about God, all of his words and singing and times at church all flooded back to me.

I went to his funeral and the pastor there preached. He changed my life. I was in church the next Sunday and every one following.

9 months after going to church after sinking into a deep depression….i told my pastor about my partying double life. He prayed for me and held me accountable and I quit. Everything. I was on fire for God! Joy poured out of me. I was in love.

I was married in 2002, my senior year of high school. We gave birth to and buried our first child, a baby boy March 2004. We found out I had thyroid problems and that I needed surgery and were told to not get pregnant again until my thyroid was treated. May 2004 I had 3/4 of my thyroid removed, praise God it was not cancerous.

June 2005 we had our Rainbow baby Trevor and in 2006 we had our Sunshine baby Hannah.  Then in 2007 we made a HUGE move to Angleton, TX. Matthew was accepted as a music minister at a baptist church there and it felt perfect.

The first Sunday there the church SPLIT. Then there was another split and then the crazy came out and the church eventually crumbled. (Long story if you want to hear it i will tell it in person)

Matthew was blessed with a fruitful piano technician business and after a brief stint at Home Depot he is and has been full time self employed.

in 2011 we found out we were expecting a baby and we were THRILLED, beyond thrilled. In May 2012 we went in for our big 20 week ultrasound and found out our baby boy had died. I went in the next day and labor was induced and the next day Timothy was born. He was laid to rest Mother’s day that year. (Another long story I can tell in person) November we found out we were pregnant again, Daniel was on his way. We were scared. Really scared. We went in for our 16 week appointment we had a horrible feeling and it was confirmed in an ultrasound that Daniel was a boy and had in fact died just as Timothy had. We went in and another baby was born still. We buried another baby.

When we buried Timothy, My faith was strong. I knew that things happen. I clung to God. I was strong and held on to my faith. When we laid Daniel to rest I felt my soul go cold. I felt like there was no God. I felt cold, and dark. I felt no more joy. I felt no more peace. The very thing i begged God for and He let both babies die. He had the power to stop it but didn’t. How could a loving God let me bury two babies in a row. I thought about me, if I knew something bad was going to happen to my kids and I just sat back and let it happen. I could not do it. If I had the power to stop them from losing a baby I would. So I didn’t get why God would let it happen to me again and again. I felt like if that is who god is and that is His nature and Character then I didn’t want Him anymore.

Jace came along in July 2014 and that horrible hopelessness that I felt had a ray of light shine on it. I began to feel some sort of healing. Jace has truly been sunshine to my dark soul. His name actually means “A healing” and a healing he is. He has no idea how much of a freaking miracle he is.

Now let me just say this. My faith is no where near where  I want it to be. That coldness is still there That disconnect between me and God is still there. I know He has never left me, I turned from Him. I am working on that reconnection again. I do not know what I am doing, I do not know when I will get that spark and that love back. I do not know….. I don’t know…. I can’t be still and be quiet. My soul still feels troubled….. but I am not giving up. I know God is real. I know He loves me. I know He cares for me. I know He is amazing. I know in my head and am in a constant process of working on it in my heart. My heart will catch back up to my head. I just need to work through my grief and I need to work through my anger with God. I think thats what it boils down to. I am still mad at Him.

So I am in the Word daily. Prayer daily. Serving where I can. Trying to be an example of grace as often as I can. But I am a broken soul. I am a work in progress and I just pray, I just beg God to one day use my story for something mighty. I do not know what but my pain needs to be used for His glory.