Tag Archives: Loss

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month 2015 day 2

IMG_1381After we lost Ryley I had my thyroid checked out, had a biopsy and it came back questionable… had to have 3/4 of my thyroid removed to test for cancer. It was extremely scary.
After my loss and still grieving and then going into surgery for possible cancer….
It sucked.
Praise God it was not cancer and I was put on medicine to balance my thyroid.

We had Trevor and Hannah back to back and then 5 years or so after Hannah we got pregnant with Timothy. This is Timothys story.

TIMOTHY’S STORY

I was so so sick with my little guy. But I was so happy. I would just praise God that the sick meant that things are going well.

At about 14 weeks into my pregnancy I started detaching myself, I started feeling dread, i started feeling like something bad was going to happen. Was God preparing me for losing my baby? Maybe. I told Him I could not handle another loss. I would have a breakdown. Maybe He was giving me a small heads up or something. I do not know. I did not speak a word of my fears to anyone until about 16 weeks or so and I texted my sister. I told her that I am feeling like I will be getting bad news soon, and the fear is starting to consume me. I tried to brush it off and pray for joy…. I could not brush it off.
At my doctor’s appointment that week, he pulled out the ultrasound wand like usual and checked the baby. He was unusually quick this time. The dumb doctor NEVER showed me my baby, but luckily Matthew was there over his shoulder looking. Well Matthew did not see our baby move and saw no heartbeat. The doctor did not seem concerned though, so Matthew just brushed it off, maybe he did not see correctly or something. I mean, a doctor wouldn’t see a dead baby and not tell us…..right? I began feeling Timothy move around 13 weeks, and did not feel another movement after 16 weeks. That is another reason the dread and fear never left.
That was at 16.5 weeks, at 17.5 weeks I had a nurse appointment, and then at 18.5 weeks we went for our big ultrasound. I journaled that day “Either the technician is going to tell us happily the gender, or tell us to wait she has to go get the doctor” I tried to be excited for that appointment, when I texted people i used lots of !!!! and tried….but in my heart i was not happy or excited. I was scared and already a little brokenhearted.
She told us our baby was not moving and she had to go and get the doctor. Then I could not breathe, my chest got tight and I got dizzy…… anxiety attack….. The doctor confirmed that our baby was dead. Our son was gone. The doctor was excellent, very caring and answered all of our questions very very well. He told us the sooner we checked in to deliver, the better.
We asked for a minute, they left, we cried, and cried and cried…… our poor kids did not know what was happening. Trevor didn’t care and when Hannah realized no baby would be coming home with us, she was so sad.
We left there broken and sad. We began the string of texting people and facebooking our devastating news. The more people we could tell without calling or being face to face, the better.

After making arrangements for Trevor and Hannah and getting an appointment with the hospital, we got it all set to go and would arrive there at 8:30am on May 4th……….ending the day with a lot of tears and no sleep,and a 1am bowl of cereal with my honey, and then more tears….

We got the sitter here, and left, went to check in to the hospital. I am so thankful for Matthew. He did all of the talking. He did it all. He checked me in, and I went to sit down, and then the lady that checked us in comes over and hands me a packet of info on BREASTFEEDING!!! Did she not even peek at the notes while checking me in??? OMG, i was holding it together so good and then I lost it. Then some more waiting and then doctor came to talk to us, the same one from the previous day. again I cried. Then seeing pregnant women coming and checking in, cried some more. Wow, my heart was broken. I longed for my baby to be alive and kicking and moving and growing. This sucks!!

We finally got in a room. They put a leaf and water drop thing on the door so people coming in would know that this was a sad time and not a joyous one, they would know to be extra sensitive. The first nurse said she knew exactly what I was going through and was very sweet. Every loss is different so you don’t really know exactly what I am going through though….i hate when people say that. She was very nice and caring though. All of the nurses and doctors were.

We waited until like 12:30pm for them to administer the first dose of the induction medicine. I got the meds at 12:30pm, 4:30pm, 8:30pm and then pitocin after that. My water broke somewhere between the 4:30pm and 8:30pm meds, but I was not dilating at all really. Thankfully this was all a blur and I had morphine. That stuff saved me from the pain and also dulled the emotional pain. (not advocating drugs to dull heartbreak though) at around 5:20am on May 5th I started feeling pressure and the need to push, I held it off as long as I could and then yelled for Matthew, he yelled for a nurse who yelled for the doctor, and I had to push, just as the doctor was coming in. I delivered my baby and then the tears, panic, fear and heartbreak set in, my whole body began shaking terribly, my chest hurt, i could not breathe and i felt like my world was falling apart.

No parent should go through labor and delivery and not get to hear their baby cry…..

Through all the shaking and hyperventilating all I remember is Matthew’s face, softly and calmly telling me to breathe. I cry just thinking about it now because when I locked eyes with his, and heard his soft voice, and I calmed down instantly and began to breathe.

Then the doctors were asking me if I was sure i wanted to see my baby….. I was like “YES” but he did not look good, he had passed away in the womb longer than they had anticipated I guess. Matthew told me “it’s ok, it’s ok, yes you want to see him” and I did. I held my precious baby boy and cried some more. The sweet nurse took him over and cleaned him up while I finished with the doctor, and then they brought him back. I got to look at him some more, I checked his tiny little feet, I counted his precious little toes, I checked his little fingers, I stared into his little tiny face, I marveled at his tiny little ears and his cute little mouth. And my heart broke more….. I would never hear his sweet newborn cry. I would never change a dirty diaper, I would never get up in the middle of the night with him, I would never see his first steps, or feed him his first real food. I would never get to teach him or see him learn and grow. I was grieving for all of the “never’s”

We got to spend time with him and then they took him down and took a picture for us and we got his footprints on a card, they could not get his little hands, they were too fragile. They brought us a memory box with a little bear and a small blanket and some other things along with his picture. They brought Timothy back and we said one more goodbye.

We got a bit of rest and eventually they moved us to make room for someone that was giving birth to a live baby. I understood they needed to do that but I also felt like “Your baby is dead and gone, time to shove you off and make room for someone that really needs this space” and we got put in this tiny triangle of a room that was very old and creepy looking.

The doctor came in after a bit and we demanded to go home that day. They usually keep you 24 hours after giving birth, but I said NO!!! So she made us stay 12 hours and ended up letting us go home at 5:30pm.

We got home and rested.

Now I forgot to add, the doctors could not tell me why my son had died. They said chromosomal something maybe, I say it was regarding my thyroid again. Mommy instinct is never wrong. I told the doctor about my nausea, he wouldn’t give me medicine for that, so I keep throwing up my thyroid medicine…..so I was probably not getting the dosage I needed to keep my levels normal in the time between when the levels were checked. It all pans out and makes sense, but they wouldn’t agree with me.

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Questions and Conclusions

I think in loss you have so many questions. You wonder why. You ask God why.

If you are a good God and You care about me why let me be grief stricken so hard?
Why let my babies die?
Why pray?
I begged You God, to save my babies and you didn’t…why?

I could go on and on. When all of these questions rolled through my head i stopped praying and reading my Bible. Thats when i set God aside.

Ive been in my Bible again since March and I have slowly begun really praying and trying to be in a constant state of prayer….. and heres the conclusions I have come to.

God IS good.

I do not see the bigger picture.

I pray to align my will to His not for Him to give me what I want because I do not see the big picture and He does.

God CAN handle my anger. I have sure had a lot of it and I am thankful He still loves me.

I need to vocalize my junk so that I can work through it. Maybe I am weird but if I don’t voice it then it goes on the back burner and does not ever get addressed.

I see Joy again. I see Peace again. Ive got a journey ahead but I know God will use all of this stuff for something good. Someday. Im ready.

Head and Heart

So when i was a kid I was a big pot head partier. I guess I was a teen…. from about 12-15 years old.
I was living a double life and told my Pastor on new years eve 2001. I told him what I was doing and that I needed to quit and needed his help. I was super depressed and could not stop what I was doing. After telling him, I never went back to my old ways. Telling someone, vocalizing my inner struggle and asking for help instantly changed me inside and out.

So of course when I was struggling with getting that joy of the Lord back into my life, I called him to talk to him. I actually emailed him and he took a week to pray and get his words right and he called me.
He told me exactly what my heart needed. He told me that Jesus has got me and even though I may feel disconnected right now, even mad sometimes, whatever it is….He hasn’t left me. he told me to keep doing what I’m doing. Keep living, reading the bible, praying and serving. Keep raising my babies for Jesus and being the wife and mom i need to be and God will sort it out.
He reminded me that grief can’t be put on a timeline and there is no exact order. He told me it is ok, my heart was hurt, grief hurts, loss hurts and we all deal with it in our own way and our own time and I have seemed to shove the grief down for a while and because I put my faith on the back burner, the grief process kinda did the same.

So here I am.

I was in such an ugly place and now I feel like there is light at the end of the three year long dark tunnel.
I have always had the head knowledge that God is good, etc,etc but deep down I wasn’t sure i believed…. anything… My head and heart didn’t connect and I FINALLY feel like they are connecting. Now to just let me walls down with God again because there are still a few walls up.

Anyways it is hard. But its good. I hope some day I can look back and see that the last three years have molded me into something amazing and that hopefully i have helped people along the way.

Rain and Rainbows

We were walking through Bed Bath and Beyond the other day. Its a dangerous store. We spend too much money. Anyways, a picture caught my eye and i just had to have it and that doesn’t happen often.

It Says “Without Rain There Will Be No Rainbows” and it has a rainbow and a cloud on it. Its gorgeous and sums us up well.

While I wish we never had to bury three babies, I would not change the experiences. I find that I cherish every second with Jace, even the hard ones because I know that he very well could have been one of my losses too.

I appreciate the good in life so much more than I think i would have without ever facing loss. The intense pain of burying babies heightens the good I know what cold, dark and scary feels like so the good feels extra good.

Testimony

I was a hard partier as a teenager. I was mean, dishonest, deceitful…. When my grandpa, full of faith and joy, died….i was crushed.

All of his talks with me about God, all of his words and singing and times at church all flooded back to me.

I went to his funeral and the pastor there preached. He changed my life. I was in church the next Sunday and every one following.

9 months after going to church after sinking into a deep depression….i told my pastor about my partying double life. He prayed for me and held me accountable and I quit. Everything. I was on fire for God! Joy poured out of me. I was in love.

I was married in 2002, my senior year of high school. We gave birth to and buried our first child, a baby boy March 2004. We found out I had thyroid problems and that I needed surgery and were told to not get pregnant again until my thyroid was treated. May 2004 I had 3/4 of my thyroid removed, praise God it was not cancerous.

June 2005 we had our Rainbow baby Trevor and in 2006 we had our Sunshine baby Hannah.  Then in 2007 we made a HUGE move to Angleton, TX. Matthew was accepted as a music minister at a baptist church there and it felt perfect.

The first Sunday there the church SPLIT. Then there was another split and then the crazy came out and the church eventually crumbled. (Long story if you want to hear it i will tell it in person)

Matthew was blessed with a fruitful piano technician business and after a brief stint at Home Depot he is and has been full time self employed.

in 2011 we found out we were expecting a baby and we were THRILLED, beyond thrilled. In May 2012 we went in for our big 20 week ultrasound and found out our baby boy had died. I went in the next day and labor was induced and the next day Timothy was born. He was laid to rest Mother’s day that year. (Another long story I can tell in person) November we found out we were pregnant again, Daniel was on his way. We were scared. Really scared. We went in for our 16 week appointment we had a horrible feeling and it was confirmed in an ultrasound that Daniel was a boy and had in fact died just as Timothy had. We went in and another baby was born still. We buried another baby.

When we buried Timothy, My faith was strong. I knew that things happen. I clung to God. I was strong and held on to my faith. When we laid Daniel to rest I felt my soul go cold. I felt like there was no God. I felt cold, and dark. I felt no more joy. I felt no more peace. The very thing i begged God for and He let both babies die. He had the power to stop it but didn’t. How could a loving God let me bury two babies in a row. I thought about me, if I knew something bad was going to happen to my kids and I just sat back and let it happen. I could not do it. If I had the power to stop them from losing a baby I would. So I didn’t get why God would let it happen to me again and again. I felt like if that is who god is and that is His nature and Character then I didn’t want Him anymore.

Jace came along in July 2014 and that horrible hopelessness that I felt had a ray of light shine on it. I began to feel some sort of healing. Jace has truly been sunshine to my dark soul. His name actually means “A healing” and a healing he is. He has no idea how much of a freaking miracle he is.

Now let me just say this. My faith is no where near where  I want it to be. That coldness is still there That disconnect between me and God is still there. I know He has never left me, I turned from Him. I am working on that reconnection again. I do not know what I am doing, I do not know when I will get that spark and that love back. I do not know….. I don’t know…. I can’t be still and be quiet. My soul still feels troubled….. but I am not giving up. I know God is real. I know He loves me. I know He cares for me. I know He is amazing. I know in my head and am in a constant process of working on it in my heart. My heart will catch back up to my head. I just need to work through my grief and I need to work through my anger with God. I think thats what it boils down to. I am still mad at Him.

So I am in the Word daily. Prayer daily. Serving where I can. Trying to be an example of grace as often as I can. But I am a broken soul. I am a work in progress and I just pray, I just beg God to one day use my story for something mighty. I do not know what but my pain needs to be used for His glory.

Silence

I can’t do silence.

I can’t still my soul.

I can’t be still.

It’s my nightmare.

I tried it the other day and I just cried. My heart broke again and again.

When i am still and quiet my heart and soul go back to my losses, it just shows me that I never did properly grieve. I had to be put together and ok for my family and I pushed it away. I cried at night alone. I cried in the bathroom, in the shower. I pulled it together for the good of everyone.

Little did anyone know I was wrecked. My faith was gone and I hated the world.

I really shook my fist at God, and secretly in my heart wondered if he was even there. How could he be there…….how did He love me but let my babies die. I could not be ok with it.

When we were picking a name for our new miracle baby we looked up the meaning we wanted and then picked a name. We wanted the name to mean Healing because this baby would bring healing to our wounded souls. We settled on jace and he has really brought healing to my heart and in turn my faith is slowing coming back, i have come a long way but I have a long way to go as well.

which is why i still struggle with being still and quiet.

God and stuff

So when we buried Timothy My heart was broken but my faith wasn’t too shaken, when a year later we buried another baby, my faith took a nosedive.

I’ve been trying to fake it until I make it with my faith and it just hasn’t worked.

I’ve been on the verge of just throwing it all away so many times, why keep trying when my heart isn’t in it.

Then I decided to watch this photographers memorial service. She was so young, she died on a brain aneurysm. She had a husband and five kids at home.

I missed about 15 minutes of it, tuned in to hear her mom, aunt, cousins, friends, and then her husband got up there. He spoke so eloquently. He just shined his love for her. He spoke of their losses, their struggle in the faith, his struggle and now here he is burying his precious wife. He said how he felt this intense sadness, i can’t remember his exact words. basically the worst feeling in the world and then peace. it was still horrible and heartbreaking and awful but he had a peace that she was ok and things were going to be ok. His testimony of love and faith was so very powerful.

Then the pastor preached. It was beautiful. The one thing that stuck out was that God did not design death, so when we say death is a part of life we are wrong. God designed life. Not death. Death came into the world after sin and the fall of man. God sent Jesus to die for us so that the life He intended us to have we can have forever in Heaven with Him.

I just left so much love, faith and peace even when everyones hearts were broken.

Someone so young dying really puts your own mortality into perspective. Life is short and our tomorrow is not guaranteed.

I can’t spend another day walking the fence in my faith. I have it or I don’t. I love God or I don’t. I believe Jesus died for me or I don’t.

I choose faith. I choose God. I choose Jesus. I choose Peace.
I choose not to fake it until I make it anymore. Faith faith is no faith.

My goal: Be in God’s word daily.

Pray continually

Love everyone and hopefully my faith will grow again and begin to shine. Oh God restore unto me the fire that I once had and may I never be content and stagnant. May I never get full in my faith, may I always need and want more of you. God please 🙂

Lossaversaries 

So we start the fifth month. The month I don’t really like. 

It starts the month of loss. 

Too many dates for me to remember anymore. May 3rd we found out Timothy died. May 4th we checked in to the hospital. May 5th we delivered Timothy. May 11th(?) we had the memorial. May 12th(?mothers day) he was buried. May 16th we found out Daniel died. May 17th we labored and may 18th we said hello goodbye.may 20- something we buried him. 
Now I don’t dwell on my losses. I don’t sink into a depression in may. I don’t want sympathy. I just want to honor their brief lives by yelling their stories. And yes I get in a funky mood on these certain days but that’s life ca part of my isn’t here. Three parts of me actually 

Faith Testimony 

i grew up in and out of church. I knew God existed but I never followed Him. When my grandpa died I began to evaluate my faith further. 

I had decided in my heart to flow Jesus and I became a Christian.

Fast forward one loss and two kids later 

Still living and loving Jesus. 

I go through another loss but am still pretty ok in my faith. And then a year later another loss. 

Now I have issues. 

I wondered after all this pain why did I want anything to do with God. He could have spared my pain….. X’s 3. 

I decided that I didn’t want to decide anything. I just put my faith on the back burner and forgot about it. 

At that point I still believed in my head, but my heart wasn’t in it. I hoped that my heart would get back to what my head believed but I just felt cold toward the Lord. 

After re evaluating everything I believed in I realized my heart was ready to get back in the game. I decided it was time to get to know Jesus again in a whole new way. 

My whole point is if you believe in God with your head but not your heart, don’t give up. 

Read, study and pray. Figure out your beliefs. Just you and God. Dig deep and keep focused and find a rich deep faith. I’m on a new journey trying to get back to that rich deep faith. I’m far from it right now but ready to work my way back. 

I’m still slightly pissed that I faced so much loss. I’m mad that my body failed me. I’m not mad that God didn’t intervene. (I’m not really mad. But I’m not sure what word to use to describe that ache)

But I’m taking my faith off the back burner. Slowly but surely.